Make Someone Happy

I'm getting better.
I'm starting to feel happy again.
It's a slow healing process and at times I still feel a tad awkward with certain things.
But this week has been steadily getting better and better everyday.

I think I forgot who I was.
And who I wanted to be.
I think I forgot to love myself.
I forgot to focus on things that made me happy and focused on things that didn't.
I started to become someone I promised myself I wouldn't become again.
Someone pessimistic and sad.

But that has stopped now, before any lasting damage could really be made.
I can't compromise my happiness again.
I can't be pessimistic.
I believe it goes against my nature as a person, I just can't handle it.
I think I'm entitled to at least that much.
Because realistically, if I am unhappy, how could I possibly make someone else be happy too?

I'll be okay.
This "healing" thing is taking its time.
But if it was fast, then how could it be effective for me?
And I'm still sad in certain ways.

But I can feel myself becoming happy again.
Everyday that fact is becoming more and more apparent to me.


I have been listening to this song on repeat for the past day and a half.

How Woozy My Eyes

Dio Mio.
I don't know what to think/feel/say.
I'm a jumble of mixed and organized emotions.
My heart has let my head down again.
At least that's what it currently feels like.

This post has been almost a week in the making.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say or where I'm going with this one.
A lot has happened to me personally this week

I guess I just feel so completely disappointed.
And of course heartbroken, but that sort of goes without saying.

But I'm going to be okay.
I'm always going to be okay.

Today was easier.
Hopefully that trend will continue.

I'm just confused about where I am right now.
Am I truly alright, or am I so far in denial I don't even realize it?

I would like to give myself some credit and claim that I am feeling better.
But right now, I just don't know for sure.
Time will tell.
It's only been four days.

I just wish time would get around to telling me already.

On That Midnight Street.

I think I have attempted to write this particular blog ten times.

I don't really know what to say.
Everything has been happening so quickly.
So much has happened.
I don't know what I should write and what I should keep to myself.

To be honest I don't really know who reads this journal thing that I've been keeping for so long now.
I suppose that's the source of my hesitation.

I guess the best I can do for now is to remain ambiguous.
The townhouse is a dream.
It feels so amazing to have people around that I actually like having around.
Classes are going totally fine.
I really like all my teachers which is actually pretty remarkable.
They are all such different people.
It's nice to have such a good diversity.
My favorite class is Italian because I have been wanting to learn the language for so long now and I feel like I can finally check something off my bucket list.
My least favorite class is probably Macroeconomics plainly for the reason that I would rather spend the hour and a half learning something other than economics.
Mr Flynn is a fine teacher, but I just don't like the class.
I pay attention because I have to, not because I want to.
It's actually pretty boring, but I need the credit and I suppose I can learn something along the way.
Oh well.

I currently have a temporary job.
I am working at Caterina d' Medici as a hired worker.
Traditionally it is only a student run environment, but the class size this block is very small, so my friend Audrey who is the Matire d' at Caterina hired me and a few other people to help fill in the gaps.
I am getting paid 8 dollars an hour.
It's not a whole lot, but at least it's money!

The social part of my life is going fine.
I sometimes imagine what my life at school would have looked like had I not met any of the people I know here now.
I would like to think I would have been fine, but it wouldn't have been as enjoyable.
It's getting harder to think about life without them now.
Without him.
Without an "Us".
I feel more attached now then before.
Before I could walk away and give up.
But now, it makes me sick to think like that.
It makes my heart hurt if I think to much on what the future will look like.
But things like that are inevitable and there is only so much time.

I know I shouldn't focus on the future.
I'm really trying not to.
But it's like this great big cloud coming.
I can't really see it yet, but I know it will get here one day.

Everything is going to be alright.


Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long...
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet?


P.s. I am trying to do NaNoWriMo. It isn't working out. I have no clue how I am going to get to 50k words now. I'll try and figure something out.

The Soundtrack To My Summer

Our next door neighbor plays the piano.

I may or may not pretend that it is my own personal soundtrack.

It is particularly wonderful to listen to when I am reading..

Beyond The Trees

This is slightly overdue, but oh well.

I have now graduated my AOS degree at the Culinary Institute of America.
It seems like just yesterday I started at school.

I will be back at school in October to start my Bachelors Degree, then I will be done.

Tomorrow my family and me will be driving across the country to travel back to Vancouver, British Columbia.
It's going to take 49 hours.
And that's just how long the driving will take, no including the sights we will visit or the breaks we will take.
Things we are planning on seeing during our trip:

• Worlds Largest Ball of Twine. (The one in Wyoming, not Minnesota)
• The Corn Palace (yes, really)
• Wall Drug (it has a giant dinosaur near it)
• Devil's Tower (No, I haven't seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind)
• Cedar Point (possibly)
• Whatever other tourist trap we happen upon.

I'm excited for the adventure this will be, but it's going to be a long time.

I can feel the cabin fever starting to grow.
I will update on my condition as often as I can.

Approaching Friday

I get into some moody moods sometimes.
Everyone needs to have a little pity party for themselves sometimes, right?
I just choose to have mine here, where people are able to read it.

No, I'm not about to chuck myself off some bridge.
And I am in no way ungratefully of the people I have in my life.
I love everyone so dearly and I am fortunate to have them.

But sometimes I just need to rant.
I choose to do this here on my blog because it gives me the chance of getting it all out there in some form.
Yes, I could just as easily talk to someone, but at the expense of talking their ear off, I choose this medium instead.

I really am fine.
I just need people to speak plainly to me at times.
To tell me that they love me.
That they miss me.
That they want to spend time with me.

It seems a little pathetic, but I can't help but just crave some blunt feelings from people.
I'm leaving.

I'm alright.
I'm just feeling lonely recently.

Packing Up

I feel like no one really cares (at school) that I'm about to graduate.

I don't want to pack up my things.
It's a terribly sad thing to do.
Even sadder to do it on my own.
But everyone I've asked never wants to help.

I only want to do it early, to get it out of the way so I don't have to worry about it and can focus on having a good last week and a half.

I feel like I do a lot for people, but when I ask for a little help, everyone says no in one way or another.
I'm not angry at anyone in particular.
I'm just really annoyed at how much stuff I have and I don't have anyone to help pack it with me.
I haven't asked for someone to devote an entire afternoon, all I want is like 20 minutes.

It's a really lonely experience.

But maybe I'm being too irrational.
I understand that people are truly busy.
I'm very busy myself.

I just view this as one of the most unpleasant things to do.
And it's like no one wants to help, which makes it feel like no one cares that I'm leaving.

I'm terribly homesick, I have a horrible headache, I don't want to leave my boyfriend and friends, but I do want to graduate next week and for once I just want someone to think purely about me.
I believe that seems like a selfish thing to write, but I just want people to care that I'm leaving.

Sometimes it feels like I never make any kind of impact on anyone.
Like no one actually misses me.
Even to me that sounds like a silly thing to think about.
But for some reason I just kinda feel that way right now.

I don't really know why I'm having a "woe is me" moment right now.
I'm just upset.
A bit annoyed.
And feeling kinda lonely.
I just want someone to put aside their wants and needs to help me out for a few minutes.

I don't know.

Merry Birthday Time

This past Wednesday was my birthday.
It was one of the best I've ever had and I am blessed to call the people I celebrated it with, my friends.

I'm graduating in a few weeks.
I'm feeling a little bittersweet about it though.
I am over the moon excited and proud of myself about it, but the thought of being separated from all the people that made this year so special, will be very hard.

My mother made a suggestion that I go back to this time last year and look at the blog entries from then.
It's funny that I can look back to exactly a year ago, and know exactly what I'm talking about.
Last year I was very sad.
I was lonely, scared, and I didn't feel like I had a friend to turn to.
The friends I thought were my friends, ended up not being my friends at all.
Going on Externship was so scary and daunting, I literally had mini panic attacks because I was so anxious.
I remember last year about being happy that it was my birthday, but having no one to spend it with was not fun.
It's was not the best time in my life.
Actually, I would much rather forget large parts of the school year.
It wasn't emotionally, physically, and mentally good for me.
To be honest, it is slightly painful to think back to some of the events that happened last year.

It's because I know so much more about myself now, then I did back then.
I think about the shy girl that so desperately wanted to be the "better" version of herself.
The more adult and mature version.
A version that had no intention of appearing anytime that year.
But even though I know all the answers and I now know how to remedy the catastrophe that was last year, I would never go back.
Without all those events, ruined relationships with people, and just general awfulness, I wouldn't be the person I am today.
I wouldn't know which choices to make that would make me the happiest I could be.
Last year felt like a year were I was trying to please the people I had surrounded myself with and dealing with the hand that I was dealt.
I have learned so much about myself.
That you must first love yourself and know what you want out of any relationship you encounter before anything should start.
I also know that no one could ever pay me enough money to relive that year.
It was terrible, I was unhappy, and I have moved on.

This year has yet to finish, so I feel like I can't fairly compare it to last year.
I'll keep you updated.

Chores

Exhaustion (ex.haus.tion). noun. - extreme weakness or fatigue.

I don't know how I have managed to wake up every morning for this godforsaken class.
I amaze myself every day.

My current and final class of the year is Escoffier, the Classical French Restaurant on campus.
I hate it.
Because, I am not actually in the kitchen.

I have been assigned to "Family Meal", with two other partners.
I don't cook for customers, instead I cook for my classmates, for our lunch.
I get to be completely creative with what I make for lunch.
The problem is, the Escoffier kitchen is so tiny, that 19 students plus a TA and Chef can't actually all fit.
So, I have been exiled across the hall to another kitchen that used to be the home of an Cuisines of Asia class.
I happily get to use woks everyday, but all I really want is to be in class so I can feel like I'm part of the kitchen.
I feel like a Leper sometimes.
My class has merged with the class that was actually a block ahead of us because of the way scheduling worked out.
They are graduating in two weeks, the lucky ducks.
But they are people I don't know, but want to get to know, but can't because I'm never in the same area or room with them.

Why does my last kitchen class have to be a chore to go to every morning?
Why do I dread waking up in the morning to go to class?
It truly feels more like work then like class.
I don't like that.

The highlight of my day was getting an Easter card from my Grandmother.
It made me very very happy

"He whom you seek is risen". Matthew 28:5,6

No Bueno.

No one seems to care that I've had one of the worst days today.

I'm just so upset and so home sick.
Every bad event that could have happened today, pretty much happened.
For once I want someone to just see that I have had a terrible day and be there for me.
Just tell me that it's okay and give me a little bit of attention.

I do that for other people.
Why can't someone do that for me?

I know that it sounds like I'm whining.
But I am on the brink of tears and all I want is a freaking hug and someone to say it's alright.

I start Escoffier tomorrow.
It's my last class before graduation.
Three weeks in the kitchen and three weeks serving.

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Eat.

If I remembered to, I would watch this everyday.
Some things never get old.

"You are the light of the world.... You are the salt of the Earth" Matthew 5:13-16

Weights Off My Shoulders

I had my Fifth Term Cooking Practical yesterday.
That's the one which determines if I graduate on time or not.
For my menu, I received:

lst course:
Shallow Poached Sole with a Cuisson Sauce
Sauteed Spinach

2nd course:
Roast Beef (Medium Rare) with Jus Lie
Potatoes au Gratin
Blanched Asparagus
Grilled Vegetables (Eggplant, Zucchini, & Tomatoes)

I was a little bit anxious to start, but once I started cooking, I felt like I got right into my swing.
I received an 82 for my efforts.
I am extremely proud of myself.
----

I originally gave up meat for Lent.
Later that same night I had a sandwich that had salami on it.
I felt really guilty and bad, so I decided to switch it to red meat.
But I've recently been feeling guilty again, so I decided to go back to my original plan of giving up all meat.
But I can eat fish.
I have been told all my life and have been under the impression that fish and meat are two completely different things.
Yes, they are both protein and were once living, but still different.
Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong.
So I don't really understand why I would be heckled for eating fish or shellfish.
It's my choice and my Lent.
I gave up what I gave up and what I gave up, is meat.
Not fish.
I have never criticized any one's religion or beliefs, so I can't understand why someone would do that to me.
Let me eat my shrimp (while craving a burger) in peace.
I'm actually trying to follow Lent this year.
Discouragement and heckling for eating fish isn't helping my struggle.


"I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

May The Road Rise Up To Meet You.

So I'm done with back of the house Caterina.
I was getting really bored and lonely with what I was doing so I'm glad to be out of there now!
Now I am in front of the house Caterina where I am a server.
Our first day was on friday for some reason, so we all got a taste of what it was going to be like in the coming three weeks.
I am excited for front of the house because I really like interacting with people and having that fulfilling feeling of making someone's dining experience the best I can make it.

Dad, Stephen and I all hung out on Saturday up in Troy.
I really missed them a lot, and sadly, it made me very homesick.
But I am also torn with the thought of leaving school.
I've made some really good friendships here now and I don't want to leave that.
I do have nine weeks, but I know they will be gone within the blink of an eye.

On Saturday we went to Barnes & Noble and Stephen bought a book for me that I had actually heard about a few months ago.
It's about a little boy who comes from a religious family (his father is a pastor of a Protestant church in Nebraska). When the little boy was about 3, his appendix burst and he almost died. Though the book is told from his father's prospective, the little boy tells his parents about actually visiting Heaven during his operation and meeting Jesus and God and describing in great detail what he saw.
His parents are of course very skeptical, but when he mentions people he met there and events that had happened to his parents (both when he was in Heaven and also past events which he didn't know of yet because of his age) they start to believe him and ask him questions about his experience.
One of the experiences which was my favorite was that he met his paternal great grandfather, "Pop" (who died in a car accident in the 70s at 61). Hearing this from his son, the father was in shock. When he asked the boy to describe Pop, he mostly described what he was wearing (robes and a sash) and that he had very large wings; also adding that when the boy was there personally, he had very tiny wings. The father decided to show a picture of Pop to the boy to show the boy how he remembered Pop. The boy did not recognize the man in the picture saying that no one in Heaven is old and they don't wear glasses.
This got the father thinking, if no one is old in Heaven, maybe a younger Pop was who the boy met. The father called up his mother and asked if she had any older photo. She sent them and the father showed the boy the pictures. Without even the father saying who the young man was in the photo (a photo the boy had never seen before) the boy said "How did you get a picture of Pop!?")

The book is called "Heaven Is For Real" by Todd Burpo

I like thinking about what Heaven looks like, so this book really did that for me.
And the thought of seeing Grandpa as a young man makes me very happy.


"And God said, 'Let there be light', and there was light." Genesis 1:3

Live The Dash

Last night I work a big event the school was hosting for the Roosevelt Fire Department.
They are the department that comes to our school when the fire alarms go off.
So instead of having to pay large sums whenever that happens, the school throws a huge banquet and party for them.
It was really cool to see Farq Hall transformed for the event.
One of the older gentlemen at one of my tables gave me some of the best advice I've heard in a while:
He pointed to his wife and said that he married her when she was seventeen years old, which had been over 52 years ago. But he said that he understood why kids these days waited until they were 25 to 30 to marry. He said the most important thing we needed to do, was to live "the dash". He explained that on your tombstone, there is the date you were born and the date that you pass away. In between, is the dash and that you should live that part because it is the most important part.

This made me happy and I just wanted to share this story with you.
Its amazing the how you can meet the most wonderful people in the strangest of places.


And Jesus said to them, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Fat Tuesday

For Lent this year, I have decided to give up eating meat.

This is coming from the girl that wants to open up a gourmet burger/pizza and bubble tea restaurant.

But I am also taking something on this year.

At first it was going to be going to the gym at least four times a week, but we all know I would just be kidding myself with that one.

So I have decided to do something a little more Religious oriented.

I will try to post a blog entry at least three times a week.

But wait there's more!

I will also include a bible verse/passage/psalms/etc. in each one.

So since I am so excited about starting this, here is the first of many different verses:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4

Caterina

So my first few days on Restaurant Row have gone alright.
Chef is pretty cool, and from a town outside of Venice.
He doesn't have the thickest accent, but sometimes it trips him up when he is trying to find the correct english translation.
But other then that, it is just a lot of work that takes a lot of energy out of me.
Is it Friday yet?
I certainly need the weekend.
That and a stiff drink.

In other news, I found out that my key to my mailbox has stopped working.
I'm not very sure why.
And neither does the mailroom.
So I have a new mailbox now.
The address is still the same, only the box number has changed.

Allyson Ball
CBN# 1702
1946 Campus Drive
Hyde Park, NY 12538

Feel free to mail me nice things.
I would really like that.

P.S.
I passed Wines Class with a B-.
I get to take Advanced Wines Class next year now!
I am so happy!

Mt. Stressmore

I am so stressed out.
Wines is going alright, but it could be better.
The amount of information is hard to process sometimes.
My retention is not where it should be and that is mainly due to the time restrictions of absorbing all of this material in such a short time.
I've had two tests so far, both which have been average scores for me.
I was truly thinking about taking the Advanced Wines Class during my Bachelors program next fall, but I need a B- or better to get into that class.
As of right now, I'm not sure I will quite make it.
That specific fate will be decided on how well I score on my final and how well I did my Restaurant Review.

Oh yeah! I forgot to talk about my Restaurant Review.
My class and I were treated to a luncheon, hosted by our professor Michael Weiss, in Caterina de Medici (our Italian "Family Style" restaurant on campus).
It was a three course lunch with two wines paired with each course plus a toasting sparkling wine.
So seven wines we all got to drink.
Even for the underage classmates, because it was for educational purposes!

The review was basically asking us which wine was our favorite for each course, how it paired with the food, and two alternative wines we could choose for that course.
I had no problem with being assigned this project, because let's face it: I got to drink seven free glasses of wine.
What other college student my age, gets to say that they got to drink seven different wines just to write one paper?

And on top of all this news, for my first restaurant for Restaurant Row, I have been assigned:
Drum Roll!!!

The AM Caterina de Medici!
Which is exactly what I wanted!
Yay for Allyson!!

I have a tour of Caterina on Thursday, which is also the same day as my Wines Final
My first day/class in the kitchen is on Friday.
I rescheduled my costing exam for Feb 21th.
My 5th Term Cooking Practical is in March (6th? I don't know..)

Lots of important and stressful things coming up soon!

Please send all you love and good vibes to:
Allyson Ball
Box # 1978
1946 Campus Drive
Hyde Park, NY 12538

I would really appreciate it.

Sing Me A Lullaby

I find my Wines class very interesting and inspiring.
There is just a lot of information to remember and it will only increase in difficulty.
Thankfully there are tutoring sessions available almost every day after class.
So now just comes the studying.
Thankfully it is all material that I am very interested in.


The stress of it all has now made itself known to me, even only after the second day.
I haven't been sleeping very well the past few nights now.
I'm fine and attentive during class, but at night I just toss and turn, completely exhausted.

I don't know what to do.

Stand By Me.

I am feeling a bit homesick right now.
I had a dream last night that I was at Disney World with my family.
But then I woke up and they weren't there.
I was just in my dorm at school.

I just want to be home right now.

The stress is starting to get to me.

Stupid.

My eye has been twitching for the past four days.
I can't seem to get it to stop.

If I had the choice of choosing between standing for twelve hours a day or taking an important costing exam, I would happily stand.


I hate math.
And exams.
And teachers saying I only have 15 minutes left to take a test and I still have six questions to finish.
And the fact that his statement made me feel like I had to rush.
And the fact that I did rush.
And the fact that I failed by one question.
And the fact that I now have to take this stupid test again during the hardest class I will probably take at school.

And the fact that I feel like I failed myself.
All because I felt rushed and I felt like I couldn't take my time.
I feel stupid.


Is it possible to have test anxiety?

Thyme Flys.

Time has been flying by for me here at school
I can't believe I am already in front of the house in my Banquets and Catering class.
I'm really enjoying interacting with people and seeing how the other half works.

Today I was Maitre'd for class.
I was so nervous that I would mess everything up and back everyone up on serving the food.
But I didn't!
Minor mistakes here and there, but mistakes that were understandable and our teacher Mr. E said I did just fine.

Everything is going by so quickly.
I don't know how to feel about that.

Graduation is May 4th.
Less then half a year.

'Til The World Ends.

It is now officially the new year.
Two-Thousand Twelve.
I am graduating my Associates this year, which completely blows my mind.

I actually still can't believe that I go to college.
I still feel so young.
So naive.
I know I still have so much learning to do.
And still so many mistakes to make.
How could I possibly only have a single year left of schooling?
It just doesn't seem like enough time.
I still don't feel ready.
And I still don't know what I'm supposed to be readying for.


19 still feels a lot like 9.