Between Two Lungs

I have to admit one thing I did today.
I broke my promise to myself.
I started thinking... again.
Recently whenever I have thought about myself and my situations I have gotten a bit upset.
This is why I would rather ask you, how you are rather than talk about myself.
I also see it as a more considerate way to talk to people, but that's getting off topic.
Today I was dealing with loneliness.
I was talking to my friend last night (who will go nameless out of my respect for them) who was also dealing with their own sense of loneliness.
In short, this person is searching for someone to make them incandescently happy.
They have yet to find this kind of person and their disappointment is starting to show.
This has lead me to my own self evaluation, because I am having the same problem as this person.
Even though I don't like to admit these sort of things to myself.
I am very lonely.
And I honestly didn't realize until today, how lonely I actually am.
Family is one thing I know I can always turn to and I think they will understand me when I say that family love sometimes isn't enough.
I need more than unconditional family love.
And I never realized it until today.

I had a chance last year at having a relationship.
I truly liked this person.
He was so nice and funny and smart.
But for one of the first times in my life I turned my back.
I thought about me first and not my friend.
I focused on my goals and abilities.
I was selfish with myself for the first time with this friend of mine; with this guy.
He would have distracted me.
Taken my focus off of school.
Possibly jeopardized me getting accepted to CIA
It was actually kinda liberating, until about a week after I told him I couldn't go out with him because I needed to focus on myself, I found out he had another girl waiting for him.
I didn't find him so nice anymore..
I'm not emotionally hurt by this anymore, but it still pisses me off thinking about it.
But I can't help but think, what would my life look like right now, had I gone out with him?
I'm not totally sure.
And I don't actually don't want to know.
Would of, should of, could of, ya know?

But anyway, back to my dilemma.
I'm lonely.
I haven't had a boyfriend in almost two years.
And yes, it does suck.
I would like one.
Just like any girl in the world.
I want a boy to look at me and think I'm the prettiest, nicest, sweetest girl ever.
But it's a bit unrealistic for me to believe right now.
In those gap years since my last boyfriend, I convinced myself to stop looking so hard.
And I did.
Honestly.
Almost stopped looking completely because I was so focused.
And then I get to college.
I never thought that I would have so much time to myself to just think about stuff.
Never really thought I would meet someone who was having the same kind of problem as me.

This person came to visit me today before I left for class.
They brought along hugs and cookies and tried not to fall asleep in my bed even though I wouldn't have cared if they had.
It might have seemed small and insignificant to this person, but it truly made me happy to have someone to talk to.
Someone that I think understood exactly how I was feeling.
It was really comforting.
And now I'm happy again.
p.s. You were right, the cookies weren't all that great, but the fact that you thought to bring them to me is what counts.

Okay!
This is the second half of my astonishingly long blog.
It's very good news.
I am getting a new roommate.
My darling roommate Gwen is moving out and switching rooms with Steph and I's friend, Morgan.
The reason?
Different sleeping schedules.
Here's the thing, Gwen goes to bed pretty early.
She is the definition of a morning person.
Steph and I are night owls.
Morgan is also a night owl.
Morgan's roommates are just like Gwen and they go to bed early too.
So we found a solution that everyone seems pretty great with.
Morgan and Gwen are switching.
We have talked to the RDs and they said that they were fine with it.
So in about six weeks, when all the paperwork and files are completed, Morgan and Gwen are switching.
I have to say, I'm going to miss Gwen a lot.
But I think in the long run and since we are getting into our cooking classes, it will be better for everyone to get the correct amount of sleep that they need every night.

p.p.s. This is currently one of my favorite poems. All you have to do is imagine Morgan Freeman reciting this and it makes it a million times more epic. ha.


Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley