Such A Smiling Sweetheart

So much information is being thrown at me.
I can't sort it properly because it's coming in way to quickly.
It feels like I'm hardly retaining anything.
Or maybe I'm just over thinking it.
I don't like going to class at 1pm and then not getting out until 7pm
It's so dark outside.
Where did my day go?

This is called a Strip Loin.
Those are just two of my knives.

I turned it into steaks.
The average steak weight was about 11 1/2oz.
16oz in 1lb.
You do the math.

* We did tenderloins also, I just forgot to take a picture.

I don't like being in the meat room.
It's like a dungeon.
With no windows.
And freezing beyond belief.
There are dead animals hanging in the cooler.
And blood is everywhere, all the time.

Probably right now, your thinking to yourself:
She needs to suck it up.
It's not that bad.
Just don't think about it.
or my current favorite "Why the hell did you choose culinary then?"

Yeah I know.
But I can't help it.
I like a burger just as much as anyone.
Probably a lot more than some people.
But looking at an animal, skinned, trimmed, and gutted, just doesn't do it for me.
I can do without this, personally.
Just give me the baby, I don't wanna know about the labor.

You know what I want the most?
I want a confidant of my own.
I want someone I can turn to and they will just listen.
That they aren't just waiting for their turn to speak.
I know I have Steph.
I know I can go to her, because she knows me the best out of everyone.
We were friends first.
But she has crap she is dealing with too.
I don't want to unload all my crap onto what she is already dealing with.
But then again, I would feel guilty if I had someone.
Because all I would do is talk about how sad I am.
Or lonely.
Or angry.
I'm too sensitive to people in that way.
The entire time I would be telling you something, I would be uncomfortable.
I can be the confidant.
But it's so hard to open up to someone else.
I'm just overly cautious at times.
I don't know why.
This blog helps soothe some of it.
But not all of it.
Because people are reading this.
Making their own opinions about how I'm either the nicest person in the world, or that I really need to stop whining about much I need a hug, to be more then a hug.
For a smile, to be more then a smile.

Eric Hodge.
You jinxed me when you said "everyone cuts themselves."
I hope your happy.
But then again, it's not like you actually care enough to read this.

Knife Casualties: 1

Feet Fail Me Not.

Today was interesting.
Interesting in the way that I don't honestly care what a whole lamb looks like hanging and skinned.
With it's eyeballs still intact..
Yeah.
Meat ID and Fabrication was today, obviously.
I got to use my knives and cut big chucks of meat up.
It was satisfying in a way that I can't describe properly without sounding sort of like a maniac.
Or a total nerd.
Interchangeable really.

I was a total wreck before class today.
I was buggin.
I literally was running around my room trying to make sure I had everything I needed for class today and freaking out if I couldn't find it.
My hands were shaking.
I couldn't relax.
My shoes felt alternately too tight and too loose.
But what calmed me down was kinda silly, now that I think back on it.
I had Steph's ID in my pocket, so it was like she was there the entire time.
She had let me borrow it so I could print out stuff at the library and I hadn't gotten the chance to bring it back to her before class.
And I talked to Chip briefly when I went to lunch with Christian.
It's always so awesome to see him.
I am between Katherine and Devin in the meat room.
Christian is next to Devin.
I'm so happy to be surrounded by such nice and friendly people.

Bad news.
I haven't been able to pick up any of my mail because the mail room office has been closed.
I have two beautiful packages waiting for me now.
I'm excited.
But it's like a mini Christmas.
I know they are there.
They are for me.
But I can't see/touch/shake them.
Such a tease.

My feet hurt the most.
My lower back is at a very close second.
I am currently sitting in my bed, my feet propped up, in leggings and my white undershirt.
Life is good.
Hopefully I'll make it to Gourmet Society tonight.

Time for homework...

Knife Casualties: 0

The 7-Up Fish.

I thought about God again today.
Well, that's actually a lie.
I think about Him a little bit everyday.
I don't know why.
Well I think I might..
I get comfort from it.
Like an ear that will always be there, no matter how alone I am in a room.
My family has always been pretty religious.
So when I think of God or church, I think of my family.

Most specifically my Mother.
Because she always has a way to relate things back down to a religious base.
I have a bad day or bad experience with them?
She is right there with the religious back that I need.

It didn't always used to be this way.
I'm admitting that now.
I used to be very resistant to going to church, praying every night, etc..
I think it's because I didn't understand what I was learning about.
The content of what was in the bible confused me.
I wasn't the strongest reader when I was younger, so the bible freaked me out at a young age.
If I couldn't read it or interpret it, how was I to make sure what I was learning was accurate?
Or that I believed in it?

I'm sure I hurt my mother's feelings when I said I didn't like going to church.
I was stupid.
Church is bigger then me.
Bigger then my wants or needs.
When I think of Church, I think of my Grandfather.

His name was Harry.
Harry Sherman.
He was a pastor in the Episcopal Church.
That's what my family and I define ourselves as, Episcopalian.
My Grandfather was a good man.
He was funny.
So smart.
A terrible singer, but so charismatic from what I remember.
And he had the best laugh in the entire world.
I will never forget his laugh.
He passed away a few years ago.
He started to lose him memory after his open heart surgery in 2004, I think was the year.
Dementia, they called it.
I had never heard of it before until then.
He hid it really well for a long time, not wanting to alarm anyone.
But once it became more obvious, it was already picking up too much speed to delay it any farther.

I don't know why I'm talking about my Grandfather.
It's making me incredibly sad and now I'm crying.
I think it's just because when I think of God, I think of my Mother and Grandfather instantly.

I remember living in Ohio.
My grandparents lived in a giant blue house with a gated horse farm behind them.
My Grandfather would always time my brother and I to race to the big tree near the fence and all the way back to the porch.
My brother always won.
But Grandpa always encouraged me saying that one day I would win.
He drank 7-up like a fish, I kid you not.
I would always get him another can.
He would always be the one to come get me from my nap and carry back down the stairs, on piggy-back of course.
And my siblings and I would always fight for who got to pour Grandpa's beer into his giant glass at dinner time. (It was seen as a real talent if you could pour it in and not have it over flow)
And of course we got to try some.
I always thought it was gross, but I still tried it.
And of course having shaving parties when my siblings and I slept over their house.
We have a great picture at our house of all three of us kids making faces with shaving cream smeared over our faces.
I of course was front and center in this picture.
I even remember my grandfather taking it.
It was a long time ago.

I miss him.
But I know I'll see him again one day.
Laughing, just like I remember.
That day will be a really good day, I think.

I don't really know what the point was of this post.
I guess I just wanted people to know a little more about me.

And See The World Hanging Upside Down..

You are like the morning sun.
Beautiful and bright, but have yet to wake up.


I think its safe to say, that every day I spend here I am becoming more comfortable and happy.
I don't pine for home anymore.
Or a familiar bed.
I am referring to school and our dorm as "home" more and more.
I have found such great people here.
People that I can't wait to see during the day.
People I can't wait to smile at and ask how their day is going.

But of course every shining happiness has it's dark spots.
But even then, those dark spots just need a light shined on them so they can sparkle just like the rest.
If anything, I love the dark spots all the same and eventually I hope they shine on their own.
Because they want to and not having to need any cuing from me.
Slowly but surely.
No need to rush.

I think that if I try too hard, or I worry too much, or whatever when it comes to things socially, I'll never be happy.
I'll never find what I'm looking for.
Because I'll be searching, searching, searching, and completely overlook whats in front of me.
I'll be looking for perfection, and I wont ever find it.
Because no one is perfect.
I'm certainly not perfect, regardless if I'm made completely of sunshine and rainbows.
But I think it's the flaws that make us so beautiful.
I wouldn't want anyone who was perfect.
Perfect is so boring.

Life should never be boring.
Life is an adventure.
I would like you to be apart of it, but you have to meet me half way.
I don't want to go through my entire adventure by myself.

Thanks to all who read this blog for sticking around for so long.
It means more than these virtual words could express.

We Do It For The Scars And Stories, Not The Fame.

So B block is finally coming to an end.
I can't be more excited!
Dreading finals though.
I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself though.
I can do this.

Chef Briggs, my Product Knowledge professor said another thing today, I will never forget.
It was like her final words of wisdom to us:
"...If it's hard, then work harder. Never quit. Never give up. Keep going. If you work hard enough, you can amount to anything. Look at me. I was told by a professor that I would never amount to anything. I attended a small two year program at a culinary school when I wanted to go to the CIA but my parents couldn't afford it because I had 7 brothers and sisters. But I worked very hard to get where I am and look at me now, I am teaching at the best culinary institute in the world..."


I went to a meeting tonight with Steph.
It was about Food Styling.
The person speaking was named Delores Custer.
She is a Internationally recognized Food Stylist
She has worked with Gourmet, Bon Appetit, Women's Day, Fine Cooking, Chocolatier magazines and also different commercials and movies.
She was really fascinating to listen to.
I got a lot out of it.
I would really like to get her book: Food Styling: The Art of Preparing Food for the Camera
Its orange and it has a ginormous sandwich on the cover.
Hint hint.
Ha ha.


I have some food for thought here for you:
Is it possible to like being around someone and like talking to them and all that jazz, but the second they walk away or leave your line of vision you start disliking them?
Not because of them really. You like them. But it's actually their actions and what they say that turn you off? But then they will become a hypocrite and do something so kind and nice that you start to like them again..
It's like one giant circle.
Am I making any sense?

I Always Turn The Car Around.

Oh my goodness!
I got a comment from somebody I don't know!
Their name is rbrow076.

rbrow076, if you are reading this, hello!!
It's so nice to (sorta, kinda) meet you.
My name is Allyson, but I go by Ally.
... you probably already knew that, but I still felt the need to introduce myself...
Ha.
You have no idea how happy your comment made me feel.
I seriously freaked out (in a good way, I promise!)
I haven't ever had someone I didn't know, send me a comment before.
You are a ground breaker in my book.
Thank you so much for your kind words on my blog.
So you hope to come to CIA during the fall next year, that's awesome!
Have you applied yet?
Baking or Culinary?
Associate or Bachelor degree?
If you haven't gotten your acceptance letter yet, I wish you the best of luck in getting in!
I sorta cried when I got my letter and found out I was accepted.
Yeah I know... pretty lame.
But whatever.
Oh and the last, most important question... How the hell did you find my blog?
Did you randomly come upon it?
Did you search for a CIA student's blog?
I'm asking because I don't have any tags or labels attached to my blog, so I figured that no one would ever be able to find it outside of my people on Facebook. (that is where I post my links to my updates)

This is so awesome!
You have no idea.
p.s. I didn't find your comment creepy at all! In fact, it brighten my day up! Thanks so much!

With Arms Wide Open

I think it's fair to say that I'm getting a bit restless.
It's just that I get home from class and come home to an empty room.
Everyday.
It's just so vacant.
And a tad bit lonely.
I just want to do something.
I want to cut up things.
I want to break things down and build them back up.
I want to create.
But I can't.
Not yet.
And everyone is in class because it's the middle of the day!
Or they are sleeping.
So it's not like I can go hangout with someone..

You know what I would really love?
If someone came to my door, when I was home alone, just to say hello.
Just to talk for a few minutes.
I would be over-the-moon happy if someone did that.
Because I wouldn't ever hesitate in doing that to someone else.
I guess thats why I would like it...

I have found that some of the simplest actions from people here have put me in the greatest of moods.
Just a simple hello.
A wave.
A smile.
A letter.
A hug.
Multiple hugs in one sitting.
Cookies to cheer me up, just because.
Long walks around the campus just to talk about life in general.
Invites to lunch and dinner.
And of course to breakfast. (which we haven't been getting out of bed for. But tomorrow we will try again, like every other day)
And finally just random acts of kindness.

I guess I just notice it more then other people.
Or maybe I just cherish the moments more.
I didn't get a lot of kindness directed towards me in high school.
Yes I had friends.
And towards the end, I found out who my true friends actually were.
But the rest of the time, I felt mostly ignored by my peers.
I know how they saw me:
That nice girl that always smiles and who they happen to sit next to in class.
Quiet and maybe a tad bit shy.
But always nice.
Always seen, but hardly noticed.
Not the center of attention.
Would rather read some obscure book then listen to the teacher talk.
Speaks more formally then others.
Has a matureness about her.
But then seems so innocent.
Does that make her a virgin?

Yet had a few boyfriends.

So maybe she isn't.

Nothing to bark at though.

Those boys were very nice too.

Nothing strangely remarkable about her.
Just normal.
A step above Plain Jane.

But what they never knew?
I am so much more then that.

Code Of Conduct

This made me smile.
I stumbled upon it.
So I thought I would share:

Code of Conduct:

1. Never stop thinking. This is important. If someone ever says to you ‘You need to stop thinking so much,’ call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have, if you stop using it, it will atrophy. Question everything.

2. Stare into space blankly and don’t mentally punish yourself for doing it, even if it is for that split second. If you have a problem with staring blankly, think of it as daydreaming.

3. Root Beer sucks after having spicy food.

4. Everything is going to be just fine. If you worry about acne, you’re going to get a pimple.

5. Don’t be afraid to talk about anything. You shouldn’t be afraid of reality.

6. Everyone is a hypocrite.

7. You are all original. Every life experience is case sensitive and unique. Every time you wake up or go to the bathroom or quote someone else, you are becoming more you than anyone has ever been.

8. Do pointless things. Don’t actively restrain or hide yourself from the redundant.

9. Stop rushing. Shut up and embrace the sound of silence.

10. Religion shouldn’t be taught, it should be found. No one should tell you what to believe except you. And while were on the subject…

11. Don’t be restrained by one religion. People change every moment of everyday. Minds grow and evolve. Religion has no law so feel free to mix and match. Make your own.

11. Going to the bathroom is not a right nor a privilege. it’s an act of nature.

13. Talking to yourself is healthy. Is there anyone that you have more in common with?

14. There is no such thing as time. The sun never sets or rises. Days and years don’t exist. There is only your life. Earlier today you were born and death is predicted later in the evening.

15. We will always be in a transitional phase. Look outside and know that everything will be replaced at some point. This existence is temporary.

16. Its not half empty or half full. Its half a glass.

17. Every now and then take something that you see everyday and try to see it in a different light. Renew its existence.

18. Be happy, but don’t force it.

19. You will always succeed in trying.

20. We are all crazy. Every person you read about in the history books had some kind of ‘disorder’, they just knew how to use it.

21. We are all about as similar as we are different.

22. Ideas are just as valuable as people. Why do you think we keep making people?

87. Numbers don’t have to go in order.

24. Words will always be just words. Love is just another four letter word, only the feeling is real.

25. Ask a child for advice. They may not know much, but they know what is important.

26. Prove you’re alive. Do anything from dancing in the supermarket to screaming a swear during a moment of silence. Remind the world you are still here.

27. Don’t take anything, even this, too seriously.

source: www.tickshady.com 

Did you realize that I changed it, and there are two #11s?
..........
Did you just scroll up to check?
If you did, I love you.
If you didn't, I still love you.
Have a nice day.

I Got Sunshine In A Bag

So it's a sunday night.
I'm kinda cold.
But then again... kinda hot.
I want to eat ice cream.
But not really.
I want to sleep.
But it's only 8pm.. and i'm not tired.

I don't really know what to write about.
I could tell you about school.. but it's kinda boring right now to be honest.
I just want to get into the kitchen so badly...

I went to the soccer game this weekend.
I really love watching soccer.
I couldn't honestly tell you anything about it from a technical stance.
But I can't help but watch.
Hodge was playing, too.
So in support, I made him a sign. (aren't I nice?)
He knew I was going to make one, but I actually don't know if he liked it.
In my all-knowing opinion, it's pretty cool looking.
(it's red in real life... it just kinda looks pink in the picture)

Do you get the joke?
We are the CIA Steels.
Like the steel you use to sharpen your knives?
HAHAHA.
That's a kitchen joke!

Alright...yeah.
I know I'm pretty lame, but whatever.
If your reading this you obviously already know that about me and either think it's charming or you love me regardless of my slight "flightiness" I occasionally display.
Thanks for being so cool.


Now it's that time again to do a complete 180 degree flip.
I hate boys.
Specifically boys who pin the fault on me.
Because I'm the easy way out and they are desperately trying to cover themselves.
FYI
Girls talk, assholes.
I'm so pissed.
Kinda wanna punch a baby.
Okay.
That is all for that subject.

Math and Product Knowledge tomorrow.
Joy upon joys.

Banana Pancakes

My darling cousin Ariel decided to tag me in a post on Facebook.
She had to answer questions about herself.
The catch is, whoever she tagged also has to answer the same questions.
So I thought instead of posting it on Facebook in one of those "notes" posts, I would just do it here.
I know I'm breaking rule #3, because I'm not tagging anyone, but I figured me even doing this makes up for it.
Because a lot of people would shy away from it.
So here goes nothing..
p.s. you don't have to take this, but if you want to, I would love to see your answers in a comment on here or on Facebook.
*All my wonderful answers are in italics. Enjoy.

Rule #1: If you open this you take it (no exceptions) 

Rule #2: You aren't allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you.

Rule #3: Tag 10 people

Yes or No?

Q: Ever kissed someone on your friends list? Yes indeed.

Q: Been arrested? Nope

Q: Do you like someone? Yes I do.

Q: Held a snake? No... But I touched one at Gatorland

Q: Been suspended from school? Nope

Q: Sang karaoke? Yes I have.

Q: Laughed until you started crying? Yes of course

Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? I have

Q: Kissed in the rain? No I don't think I have...

Q: Sang in the shower? Who hasn't?

Q: Sat on the roof top? Yes I have.

Q: Been pushed into a pool with your clothes on? No... but I have fallen in because I tripped.

Q: Broken a bone? No, but I have sprained my ankle.

Q: Shaved your head? No.

Q: Played a prank on someone? Yes I have.

Q: Shot a gun? Do squirt guns count?

Q: Donated blood? No. Never. Never. Ever. No. No. No. I hate blood.

-LAST PERSON-

1. You hung out with? Stephie Bear. <3

2. You texted? Hodge

3. You were in the car with? Steph.

4. Went to the movies with? Mom?

5. Person you went to shop with? Steph and Morgan

6. You talked to on the phone? Today, Steph.

7. Are there 1 or 2 people you can always trust/rely on? Yes, thankfully.

8. Do you want to get married? Yes I do, but not right now.

9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? I Twirl.

10. What time is it? 12:48am

11. Are you afraid of commitment? No.

12. What is your hope or wish? To be incandescently happy and content with my life.

13. When is the last time you cooked? Too longgggggg.

14. Current mood? Happy

15.A good friend that you miss? Rachel Lunderville and Miranda Gamblin

-In the last 48 hours have you...-

1. Kissed someone? No...

2. Sang? I randomly breakout into song all the time.

3. Danced crazy? I'm known to breakout some dance moves...

4. Cried? Nope

-20 first-

1. Who was your first prom date? Kenny Scott!

2. Your first roommate? Stephanie Eyster and Gwen Cannon

3. What was your first job? Babysitting

4. When did you go to your first funeral or viewing? Mr. Weeks' funeral I believe.

5. Who was your 1st grade teacher? Ms. Q

6. Where did you go to your 1st ride on airplane? Not sure.. maybe Florida?

7. Who was your first best friend? Theresa Mequid

8. Who was your first best friend in middle school? Bethany Arrigo

9. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? Mom or Dad

10. Who's wedding were you in the first time? I've never been apart of a wedding party.

11. Whats the first thing you did when you got up this morning? Went back to sleep for 15mins because I decided not to go to breakfast.

12. What was the 1st concert you went to? Aaron Carter I think.

13. What was the last concert you went to? Girl Talk!!

14. First tattoo or piercings? Ears

15. First celebrity crush? Daniel Radcliffe

16. Current celebrity crush? Joseph Gordon-Levitt

17. First crush? AJ Orf. First Grade.

18. Current Crush? I will never tell in a million years except if your name is either Stephanie Eyster, Mom, Morgan Gauthier, Gwen Cannon, Miranda Gamblin, etc.

19. First date? Livingston Park.

20. First time you tied your shoe laces? Kindergarten possibly.

-3 things you go by-

Ally

Al

Allycat

-3 things your wearing-

1. Black Leggings

2. My Yellow NY Empire State T-shirt

3. Orange Hair Band

-3 things you are doing right now.-

Blogging...

Stumblin'

Hanging out with Stephie Bear <3

-2 things you did last night-

Math Project.

Contemplated the Meaning of Life.

When Skies Are Grey

So yesterday it poured rain.
I was in an alright mood.
Nothing spectacular but that could be due to the fact that I haven't been sleeping very well recently.
I don't know why.
I just get so cold and I can't seem to warm up.
It's not fun.

So right before dinner I decided to kill some time and go to the Mail Room.
I had to mail professor Chalmers my gastronomy notes so she could give me a proper grade for them.
And while I was down there I decided to check my mail.
I haven't been getting anything at all recently, but I thought I would check regardless.
So I opened my mail box and too my complete surprise, I had a letter.

My Secret Love
Allyson Ball
CBN# 605

Yeah.

At first it kinda worried me.

I wracked my brain for who could have written this to me, but I couldn't think of anyone who would bother.

So I opened it.

And what it contained brightened my day like nothing every had.

10/11/10

Dear Al,

Just wanted to send you some mail since I know how much you like it! :)

While I'm here I might as well add... you're amazing & probably one of the funnier people I know. I'm so glad you're roommate, and... well... I love you man!

=D xoxoxo!

- <3 always

Stephie Bear!

Ahhhhhh!
I can't tell you how much this meant to me.
What a fabulous surprise to find.
I love this girl.
And I love mail.
And she knows this!
If you were ever curious as to how to gain my affections, this is how you do it.
Don't give me flowers or chocolate (though I do like them too...)
Mail is the way to go.
Little notes like this just brighten my day.
Just saying that you love me or just to say hello.
Yeah.
This is perfect.
It made a blah day turn into a great day.

When You're Singin' In Your Sleep.

I was going to dedicate this blog about lamenting the fact that all of my close friends I have at the moment will be away on externship on my birthday and I will be completely alone.
Which sucks a lot.
Cry, cry, cry.
Poor me.
Alright.

But I just can't!
I'm just so happy right now.
I can't believe how much love and acceptance I have been getting recently from my friends and family.
To know that they are reading this blog.
Listening to what I'm saying and then responding to it.
The feeling is indescribable.
But it's so humbling and warm...
I know that's kind of awkward to say, but I'm not actually used to it.
I mean, I'm used to my family being there for me, but not to this magnitude.
Or maybe just because I'm away from home I'm noticing it more.
I don't know.
One things for sure, I'm not used to having friends be there.
In high school I had only a few friends I considered myself "close"with.
In retrospect I had more acquaintances then anything.
So I did have something of a support system, but nothing like this.
This just feels different.
And I prefer it.
The sad thing is, I haven't spoken to a majority of the people I used to consider friends in the longest time.
I guess in college you really do find out who your true friends are.

Anyways.
What I'm trying to say is, thank you.
I let lots of people into my life.
But hardly do they ever make a ripple in my line of vision.
In your case, if your reading this, you have either made a ripple or just cannon balled yourself right in.

I don't say it often enough to the people I care about, I think.
And I don't want you to take it wrong.
Regardless if you are family, a new friend, a old friend, used to be more or might be something more tomorrow.
I love you.
And I can't imagine a world without ever knowing you.
If you are reading this, it means that you care enough about me, to want to know what I'm thinking.
And I appreciate you so much for that.
You know who you are.
Thanks for making such a big splash.
It means the world to me.
I don't know how else to say it.

I have been dealing with a sense of sadness recently.
A loneliness that feels like a itch I just can't scratch sometimes.
So has my friend Eric.
I have been trying to help him to the best of my abilities, to be there for him and be the best friend I could possibly be for him, but I know from experience that sometimes, that isn't enough.
I think as Humans, we crave a certain companionship.
An unconditional love and devotion to someone else and to have that same devotion given back to us.
That is sometimes very hard to find.
Especially if your as picky as me.
So I found a solution.
Instead of relentlessly searching and becoming upset if I can't find anything,
I will become my own personal beacon of happiness.
Let me explain:

Why should I let anyone dictate my happiness, besides myself?
If they do, you give them power over you.
That isn't good.
Or healthy for that matter.
You are your own person.
You wake up each and every day with the knowledge that it can either be a good day or a bad day.
Don't let the little things get you down.
So you stubbed your toe.
Fine.
Swear loudly and curse at the wind for your temporary misfortune.
But just because that happened, doesn't mean it's going to be a bad day.
Or you run into someone that you never want to talk to or see ever again.
Just because you saw or talked to this person doesn't mean your going to have a bad day.
It's all about positive attitudes.
Brush it off.
It already happened.
There is nothing you can do about it, so don't mope around thinking "woe is me, my life sucks..."
Because it doesn't.
Know why?
Know why??
Because I'm in your life, it can't suck that bad.

Why waste away your happiness and life, being sad?
It's no fun.
Life is what you make of it.
That is what I've realized this week.
You wanna eat that extra piece of pie?
You go right ahead.
Ex-girlfriend got you down?
Ignore her, you are better off without her.
2am trip to White Castle, which is an hour and a half away, because one of your friends has the munchies?
Why not?! It will make a great story to tell one day.

Morel of the story?
You are worth all the happiness in the world.
So stop waiting for something to happen.
Go out and get it.
You might not find it right away.
But if you keep your eyes open as far as they will go, you'll find something eventually.

To Infinity And Beyond.

I don't really know what to type....
All I have been doing today is sleeping, eating pancakes and thinking about you and knowing you are not thinking about me.
The last part wasn't fun.
It was driving me down right crazy.
And just when I was about to become extremely upset, you go and prove me wrong and make me smile.
It's pretty ridiculous.
In a funny, kinda messed-up way.
Oh well.
At least I can see the humor in situations like this.

I like to plan.

I'm a planner.

A creature of habit, if you will.

When I make friends, it's because I have found the perfect spot for you in my plan and it allows the friendship between us to blossom and grow and I like it like that.

But don't get me wrong, I love being spontaneous and I'm always open to going on adventures.

It's just the anomalies that get me.

I'm looking at you, kid.

The anomalies are the people who get under my skin in a very awkward way and don't actually have a spot designated for them.

They are just sort of there.

Like a weed, but nicer to look at and easier to be around.

Still, there is an urge to pluck you out and toss you away.

But I don't want to.

I'm starting to like you where you are and slowly but surely I'm moving things around so you can fit too.

It might be a little uncomfortable for a while, though.

I don't mean this, in a mean kind of way.

More like a way of "how the hell did you get past the defense system of my plan without me noticing?"

It's actually a pretty strange place to be in.

Because I feel an odd sort of fondness for you.

I think that's why I'm still talking to you.

And why I still consider you a friend.

I've been thinking of the future a lot recently.
Where I can see myself in ten years.
Will I be happily married and have screaming ankle biters for children?
Or will I be working, working, working until the day I die?
I wish I could just glance into the future.. for even just a moment.
I don't want to stay... I just want to see what it looks like.
Just so I could have some sort of idea of where I'm supposed to be headed.
If I'm going to be happy.
Or lonely forever.
Or is the future subjective?
And it wouldn't matter if I saw it or not because it will change with every decision I make.
Is fate real or do we make our own destinies?
I would like to have it both ways I think.
I create my own destiny, but some things are set in stone no matter how much I deviate from it.
I like to think it gives me a bit of a pre-determined foundation.
And in someways, it's comforting to think about.
Anyway, I would just like a peek.
One single glance.

Another question that likes to plague my mind is, how will I know when my "future" has arrived?
How will I recognize it?
What does a "future" even look like?
Because I could potentially share my life with someone, will I be able to determine the "future" as even mine or that person's?
Would it matter since we are sharing a life or "future" anyway, and it doesn't belong solely to either of us?
What is a future?
Will I like it there?
Is it a place or a state of mind?
Is the weather nice there, or will I need an umbrella?
I have so many questions I almost feel like a little kid again constantly asking, "why?"
I just want to be prepared.
It's that whole planner mentality again.

Then I literally Stumble Upon this little gem:
"The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be."
Oh my...
It was like God was trying to tell me to calm the hell down before I have early death.
This is what I love about life.
The littlest surprises that just pop up and make me smile.
And right now, I'm not all that worried about the future anymore.
When it comes, it comes.
I may not see it or I may be able to pin point it.
And no matter how what, no one is ever prepared for it.
It just happens, so let it happen.
There is no use rushing it, because the journey to it will pass me by.
And the journey is probably gonna be the best part.


p.s. I found another poem that I really liked:


Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry, 
I am not there; I did not die.
- Mary Elizabeth Frye

Time Square Can't Shine As Bright As You.

Alright, listen to this.
When I was a kid we used to live in Heath, Ohio.
Both my parents worked kinda long hours, from what I remember so we had a baby sitter.
Her name was Miss Noelle.
One night Miss Noelle had cooked us up Spaghetti Squash for dinner.
My brother and sister has gulped theirs down and were begging for seconds and thirds.
I could even get past a few bites.
This ugly pile of yellow mush stared back at me, taunting me.
I remember I would take a bite then take a huge swig of milk to dilute the taste of the squash.
Eventually I ran out of milk, so when I asked for more milk Mr. Chris, Miss Noelle's strict husband, said I couldn't until I ate more of my food.
I don't know why I didn't like it.
Looking back on it, it makes me laugh.
I hope I didn't hurt Miss Noelle's feelings.
I was only five at the time, younger most likely.

So anyway, I bring this up because of Product Knowledge today.
We were learning about tomatoes, peppers, and squash.
And of course, which type of squash does she have us try?
You got it, spaghetti squash.
It's not required to taste all the food, if you don't want to.
And I almost let the squash past me by.
But in that split second, I heard my mother's voice in my head:
"Oh Ally, just try it. Your taste buds have changed by now."

So I tried it.
It was delicious.
I don't know why I didn't like it back then, but I like it now.


I have a cold.
I have been viciously denying this fact because I don't want to use it as some excuse to not go to class.
So don't worry, I have been making myself go to every class.
I went to the Nurse's office yesterday for some cough drops.
They gave me some cough medicine and 5 cough drops.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 5 cough drops?
Do they think I'm gonna O.D. on cough drops if they give me more then five?
It makes me not want to use them, so I'm practically treating them like gold.
And to top it all off, my neighbors have been blasting music for the past four hours.
Though I do approve of the play list right now:
John Lennon - Let it be. (happy birthday shout out, btw)
The Fray - How to save a life.
Guns & Roses - Sweet child 'o' mine.
Marshall Tucker Band - Can't you see?
Jack Johnson - If I had eyes.
Kanye West - Gold Digger
Kings of Leon - Use somebody
etc.
This is kind of a stretch for these guys considering its house music that they are usually pumping through their speakers.
Oh well.
No dinner for me tonight from K-16 or any production kitchen.
I don't have the energy to make myself get out of bed and bother.
It's a little upsetting.

We have a three day weekend now.
I was tempted to ask my dad if I could come home.
But I didn't.
I don't know why, I guess with being sick, I just didn't want to deal with the hassle.
I miss my dad.
I miss my sister.
I miss my dog.
I miss sleeping in my own bed and not having to question who was the previous owner of it.
And of course I miss my mother who is in Vancouver and my brother who is in Troy, NY attending RPI.
But the thing is, me missing them right now isn't as bad as it has been in the past.
I think it's because I'm sick, and home has always had the comforting quality to it, so that's why I'm thinking of them.

Sitting alone in my dorm, sick, listening to my neighbors blast music isn't so bad.
But I would like a hug.
Hugs always seem to make things better for me.
That.. or Creme Brulee.
Or both!
Hehe.

I Am Jack's Complete Lack Of Surprise.

So Food Safety was a little interesting today.
I have written before that Professor Vergelli is a tree hugger.
Also very Liberal but I don't care about that.
To each his own, I think.
Today he accidentally brought in his political view point when answering a question because he thought that, that was the question being asked.
We were talking about meat manufactures.
He used the phrase "why should they be stuffing their pockets, when there are people who actually need that money."
Now, I don't want to get political.
I don't agree with him on that because I'm fiscally conservative and I believe that I deserve whatever I worked for and that I shouldn't have to give my money to people who did not do the same kind of work that I did.
I'm leaving it at that.

Why I am mentioning this, is because of the feeling I got when he said this.
It struck me funny.
Don't get me wrong, I obviously realize that there are different political opinions.
I just forgot that the whole world didn't agree with me, for a minute.
My parents are more fiscally conservative.
That's how I have been raised.
That doesn't mean I don't like poor people or that I don't want to help them.
I just don't want to give them my hard earned money. plain and simple.
They didn't earn it.
If they worked side by side with me, doing the exact same work with me, I would have no problem sharing my profits with them.
But that isn't the case.
I would much rather help these people get education or help them find a job, instead of dealing out checks from the government.

Now if you have read this far, and haven't left my blog because you are morally offended by my viewpoint on this subject, I have another reason why I am bringing this up.

I am very scared.
I am going to be working extremely hard for the next twenty years.
In those twenty years, I will be working to open up my own restaurant/pub/bar/eatery/whatever.
It is going to be stressful.
It is going to be hard.
My blood, sweat and tears will go into making this dream of mine a reality.
I hope to become successful and well known.
I hope to become very well-off due to my hard work.
But even when I do open my own place, the hard work doesn't stop there.
It will continue.
There will be no break in working hard in my future.
And when I do become successful and finacally well-off, I will be seen as "filthy rich."
My twenty+ years of excessively hard work will mean nothing.
I will be seen as having "too much money".
It will happen.
Especially if I become famous.
So at the base of all this, I think I should be entitled to my money.
I worked hard, those 20+ years, for my success and I don't think I should be forced by the government to give away any profit that I make.
That is my money.
I earned it.
It didn't just appear over night.
It would have been building and saving itself up for twenty+ years.
I will give it away, and I will, as I see fit.
Don't tell me that I have "too much".
In my opinion, I will never have enough and it's not anyone's business, but mine, to decide how much is too much.

After I leave school, I am going to be in debt up to my eyeballs.
Its going to take years to pay off.
And on top of that, I'm trying to create a restaurant?
And the government is still taxing me.
Am I crazy or something?
No.
I just have dreams.
Dreams that will come into reality.
I know what I'm doing.
I know how people will see me when I become successful.
"Lucky", "The winner of life's lottery"
Wrong.
I'm paying too much money for education and too much into my future to be considered lucky.
"Hard worker" should flash across you mind when you see my name in lights.

Rant over.
I don't like getting political.
Everyone take it too personally, myself included.

You Make It Easier When Life Gets Hard.

Cheryl Stanley is my new Gastronomy teacher.
So far, she is very nice and she seems to know what she is talking about when it comes to gastro.
Three weeks in and I finally know what gastronomy mean:
Gastronomy is the study of how and what people eat.
Looking back at the past weeks I feel a little silly that I didn't come to this conclusion myself.
Oh well.
I've learned it now.
p.s. I actually have homework in this class now. I am lamenting this fact quite heavily...

Eric Hodge -
He asked me why I didn't use him name in my last post.
So I promised him if I ever decided to mention him again, I would.
Told you so, Hodge.
I always keep my promises.
:)

I had a thought today.
Why do I blog?
Yeah I guess this is a way to journal about my experiences at CIA.
But honestly, it's wicked theripudic.
I can talk for paragraphs and paragraphs, lines after lines.
My blog can't really talk back to me so it's like a silent confidant.
It's nice.

I found a picture of an octopus.

That octopus is going on a wall of my pub/bar/restaurant/eatery/whatever.

I love it so.

I tried to put it up here, but it's not showing up.
If you would like to see it, I will send you a link.
It's pretty epic looking if I do say so myself.


Umm, what else?
I signed up as a T.V. host in Gourmet Club yesterday.
I hope my nerves don't get the best of me on that one.


Dear Miranda,
Thanks for talking to me for over two hours tonight on skype.
It was one of the highlights of my day and made me miss home a little less then I was.
Love, Al.


p.p.s. If I give you my mailing address, will you send me stuff?

Please and thank you.

Between Two Lungs

I have to admit one thing I did today.
I broke my promise to myself.
I started thinking... again.
Recently whenever I have thought about myself and my situations I have gotten a bit upset.
This is why I would rather ask you, how you are rather than talk about myself.
I also see it as a more considerate way to talk to people, but that's getting off topic.
Today I was dealing with loneliness.
I was talking to my friend last night (who will go nameless out of my respect for them) who was also dealing with their own sense of loneliness.
In short, this person is searching for someone to make them incandescently happy.
They have yet to find this kind of person and their disappointment is starting to show.
This has lead me to my own self evaluation, because I am having the same problem as this person.
Even though I don't like to admit these sort of things to myself.
I am very lonely.
And I honestly didn't realize until today, how lonely I actually am.
Family is one thing I know I can always turn to and I think they will understand me when I say that family love sometimes isn't enough.
I need more than unconditional family love.
And I never realized it until today.

I had a chance last year at having a relationship.
I truly liked this person.
He was so nice and funny and smart.
But for one of the first times in my life I turned my back.
I thought about me first and not my friend.
I focused on my goals and abilities.
I was selfish with myself for the first time with this friend of mine; with this guy.
He would have distracted me.
Taken my focus off of school.
Possibly jeopardized me getting accepted to CIA
It was actually kinda liberating, until about a week after I told him I couldn't go out with him because I needed to focus on myself, I found out he had another girl waiting for him.
I didn't find him so nice anymore..
I'm not emotionally hurt by this anymore, but it still pisses me off thinking about it.
But I can't help but think, what would my life look like right now, had I gone out with him?
I'm not totally sure.
And I don't actually don't want to know.
Would of, should of, could of, ya know?

But anyway, back to my dilemma.
I'm lonely.
I haven't had a boyfriend in almost two years.
And yes, it does suck.
I would like one.
Just like any girl in the world.
I want a boy to look at me and think I'm the prettiest, nicest, sweetest girl ever.
But it's a bit unrealistic for me to believe right now.
In those gap years since my last boyfriend, I convinced myself to stop looking so hard.
And I did.
Honestly.
Almost stopped looking completely because I was so focused.
And then I get to college.
I never thought that I would have so much time to myself to just think about stuff.
Never really thought I would meet someone who was having the same kind of problem as me.

This person came to visit me today before I left for class.
They brought along hugs and cookies and tried not to fall asleep in my bed even though I wouldn't have cared if they had.
It might have seemed small and insignificant to this person, but it truly made me happy to have someone to talk to.
Someone that I think understood exactly how I was feeling.
It was really comforting.
And now I'm happy again.
p.s. You were right, the cookies weren't all that great, but the fact that you thought to bring them to me is what counts.

Okay!
This is the second half of my astonishingly long blog.
It's very good news.
I am getting a new roommate.
My darling roommate Gwen is moving out and switching rooms with Steph and I's friend, Morgan.
The reason?
Different sleeping schedules.
Here's the thing, Gwen goes to bed pretty early.
She is the definition of a morning person.
Steph and I are night owls.
Morgan is also a night owl.
Morgan's roommates are just like Gwen and they go to bed early too.
So we found a solution that everyone seems pretty great with.
Morgan and Gwen are switching.
We have talked to the RDs and they said that they were fine with it.
So in about six weeks, when all the paperwork and files are completed, Morgan and Gwen are switching.
I have to say, I'm going to miss Gwen a lot.
But I think in the long run and since we are getting into our cooking classes, it will be better for everyone to get the correct amount of sleep that they need every night.

p.p.s. This is currently one of my favorite poems. All you have to do is imagine Morgan Freeman reciting this and it makes it a million times more epic. ha.


Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley

In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash

"God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change: The Courage to Change the things I Can: The Wisdom to know the difference."
- The Serenity Prayer


My mother put this as her status on her Facebook. 
It made me smile and I thought that this certainly applied to me today.
Out of complete respect of everyone involved or in knowledge of a certain situation, I won't add on to what I just claimed.
In my opinion, it is certainly not something to blog about for the whole world to see.


So today I worked on my Specification Sheet for Product Knowledge.
It's like we have to order a product for our restaurant and the spec sheet is the process we are practicing in ordering food.
Capiche?
Guess what product I have?
The "King of Fruit", Durian.
Yup.
You can feel bad for me if you want to.
At least I don't have to touch it.


In other great news, to my astonished surprise, I saw Chip today! Back at school from extern.
Well actually Chip saw me.
And gave me a big huge hug.
I didn't realize how much I needed a hug today, until that moment.
It literally was the most perfect timing ever...ever, because I was looking down at my cellphone and then I look up and see Chip's smiling face.
And I found out that He is an RA in my building!
It was like being at MST again.
It was like seeing an old friend for the first time in years, that wonderful, warm, familiar face.
It was like seeing home.
And I never really realized how much I missed not only home, but MST.
I miss Ashleigh and Rich and Manny and AJ and Britney and Tyler and of course my chefs, Tabor and McGee.
But now I've seen Chip.
I can't really describe it, but it was one of the best feelings in the world.
It was like God was telling me that everything from that moment on will get better today.
And so far, so good.


+ Chip, if on the off chance that you are reading this, thank you so much for your welcoming hugs. They made me feel like I was on top of the world.


In a completely sorta off topic way,
I have noticed little changes in myself.
I thought about God more this week, then I have since being at home and around my mother.
I'm not totally sure why, I just have.
And I'm not opposed to it.
It feels good.