So Wear Me Like A Locket Around Your Throat.

I guess I'm just feeling the after effects of last night now.
I feel mushy and cold on the inside.
I'm in desperate need of a smile.
I can only smile so much.
Remember?
I'm not completely made of rainbows and sunshine 100% of the time.
I certainly try to be, but it's not always easy.
I have my moments when I need reassurance.

Most of what I believe, I think I made up in my own head.
I attribute it to a small bit of paranoia.
It's a total defense mechanism.
And a relatively new thing that been happening to me.
Just over a year now, by like a week.
I know exactly why I do it and why it happens.
I know why it developed and I can pinpoint the reason as to why it did.
The problem is, I can't find the off switch.
I think of the worst possible situation I could ever be in and worry about it.
Whether the situations I see are actually true or not remains to be discussed.
But I know it feels real because of what I'm seeing or what I'm experiencing.
Or what I'm expecting to see or experience.
I'm waiting for everything to crash.
I'm trying to prepare myself.
Because last time was a total blindside.
And up until that point, nothing had every emotionally hurt that bad before.
It's not fun.
I could do so much better without it.
I wish it never happened.
I understand now why they did what they did.
They had hurt everyone else in their life, so it was my turn now.
It's terrible reasoning, but the truth non the less.
So as a result I just try and hide it.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it bubbles over.
I guess I just have to relax and not try and read into things so hard anymore.

Anyway,
If you are reading this, thanks for the talk last night.
It really meant a lot to me.
You know who you are.


In completely different news,
Which I feel is much more positive,
I'm thinking about writing a book.
It's still really in the thought process stage.
I'm just sort of getting my thoughts typed into a word document.
It will not be completed for a long while.
I got a long journey for this book if I ever want to see it come into fruition.
Baby steps.