In A Perfect Situation.

Yesterday wasn't my favorite.
I didn't like saying goodbye to my brother, sister and father.
But I'll see them in a few weeks when we go to Vancouver for Christmas to see my mother.
That's the bright side I suppose.

I was alone for awhile when I first got home.
But then I got a surprise visitor.
We hung out and just talked about stuff.
It was really nice and simple.
It's silly to say, but I didn't realize how much I missed simple conversation.

I didn't really want to come back to school.
I wanted my break to be longer.
I wanted to be with my family longer.
But reality caught up with me and said "no".

Oh well.
Back to the daily grind.

There Is No One Alive That Is Youer Than You.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.
It was delicious as always and I made potato leek soup for the family.
The only thing really missing was my mother and grandfather.
My mother is in Vancouver and my Grandfather is in Heaven.
It made it not really feel like Thanksgiving.
I miss my friends and CIA, but I'm really happy to be home and just have my space.
I think everyone is really happy to have their own breathing room for a little while.
It's not a bad thing to crave space.
Too much togetherness can really damage a friendship.

The Turkey bowl was awesome.
I got to see Ashleigh and Emaly.
I missed them like crazy.
I had Miranda tackle me in a bear hug.
And I saw someone I didn't really wanna see or talk to.
I did both.
Not really of my own will, but because they kinda sneak attacked me.

I talked to people from CIA last night.
I miss them.
It's getting easier everyday to be myself around people and not just my roommates/friends.
I know that sounds sort of awkward.
Why wouldn't you be yourself around people?
I guess I'm scared in a way.
Well not scared, just a little guarded.
It's a self preservation sort of thing.
If they dislike who they see on the surface before I truly open up, that means they only dislike half of me and not all of me.
Hope that makes some amount of sense.
All that needs to be known really is that I'm starting to drift away from this sort of attitude.
And I couldn't be happier.

What I'm thankful for:
- An Education and living out my dream.
- Awesome friends who I was fortunate enough to stumble upon.
- Good food all day, everyday.
- My family and how honestly chill everyone is.
- My beagle, Scarlett, who is getting on in age but has decided to hang in there.
- And of course reliable internet. (if only just for this weekend)

p.s. Cream of Broccoli soup that I made on Wednesday

Burning Down The House

Today was very busy in class.
We made pureed lentil soup
Tasted good, but mine was late to the pass, muddy and under seasoned.
-15 points.
Ugh.

We also made roux today.
Rouxs are used as thickening agents in sauces and soups.
It's a mixture of flour and fat (usually oil or butter).
Made with high heat = wicked hot.
Like it will burn your skin right off if touched.
Like what happened to me:

Four burns in total.
Pinky, base of thumb, twice on wrist.
Fun times.
Stings like a mother.
no wonder they call it Cajun Napalm.

Knife Casualties: 5
Burns: 4

I Found A Flower At My Feet.

This blog is coming to you at the wee hours of the morning while sitting upon Steph's bed.
I don't have much to say except that I'm a bit unsettled.
I don't know if I've actually written about Disney yet... I think I've just verbally talked about it with different people.

I have an externship opportunity with the Walt Disney Company's College Program.
I'm so excited.
When I found out, I literally screamed.
Both Steph and Morgan were witness.
It was funny and embarrassing at the same time.
Eh, whatever.

I never really thought about Disney much.
But after going to the college presentation it seemed like a really good deal and opportunity.
And it's Disney.
I mean, I know I'll be worked into the ground like a slave, but still.
It's Disney World!
I would make cashmoney like nobody's business.
I get housing on the Disney property, which is convenient.
And I think I would really experience and learn a lot.
The problem is, I have to decide by November 30th if this is the place I want to go for extern.

The Dinex/Daniel Boulud people have not contacted me back.
Everyday it gets a little more discouraging.
Everyday I think more and more about how awesome Disney will be.

Do I really want to go to Lumiere/DB Bistro Moderne, or do I just wanna go to Vancouver because that's where my mother is?

I don't really know right now.
I'll get back to you on that.

That's Exactly How This Grace Thing Works.

I was seriously doubting myself today.
I thought about skills and I was dreading going.
Because I didn't want to be around people and I just wanted to sleep.
I wasn't confident in my skills or knowledge.
Could I actually cook or was I just playing myself up in my head?
But then the most magical, wonderful, stupendous thing happened.

We made soup.
Beef and Veggie soup to be specific.
Chef Soileau said it was one of the prettiest soups he had seen.

It was so tasty.
Not the best photo in the world, but it was really nice looking.

I love talks with my friends.
Sometimes it's good to have reassurance that people, besides your family, do actually care about you.
They make me happy and let me see a different point of view on any subject.
I don't think I would be having as much fun here without them.
It's always nice to have someone understand you.

I thought about someone last night.
And for the first time I wasn't sad when I thought of them.
More indifferent then anything.
I know I still care for this person.
And they will always hold a special place in my heart regardless if I'm in their's at all.
This person can be a good person.
They just choose to do certain things that will benefit them the most.
Call it a selfish personality.
But at least it's a personality.
For awhile I thought there was something wrong with me.
Something that was missing.
But now I understand, it was them all along.
They were missing something, not me.
Steph's told me this a million times, but I guess it just finally clicked.
I still care about this person.
Regardless of the questionable things they do on my time or their's.
I know I always will help if they need it and they know that.
It's just hard I guess.
Because they make it so easy to hate them.
But I can't hate them.
I won't hate them.
If I hate this person, they will win.
And they will not care.

But it will be okay.
Because I know that nothing was ever wrong me with me.
It was all them.
And I'm never going to be as lonely as they are.

I Feel Old, But Not Very Wise

I had the worst nightmare today.
The type of nightmare that feels and seems so real, how could it possibly be a dream?

I woke up to my room completely as it is now.
Everyone's stuff was here and I looked at the door to see Steph and Krissy waving goodbye to me.
I got up to follow, to see where they were going, but once I reached the hallway no one was there.
I got to Roth and Farq and no one was there.
The classes and kitchens were empty.
Everyone was gone.
Steph, Kris, Christian, Morgan, Annelise, Todd, Shannon, Devin, Eric, Chip, Jenn.
Everybody I know was gone.
My family wasn't able to come up.
I was alone.
It was my birthday.

What scares me the most about this dream is that a majority of the people I know will be gone on my birthday.
I've mentioned this before, but for some reason it's finally hitting me.
The majority of the people I know will be gone because either they are going on their externship or they have graduated Associates and are taking a break until they start Bachelors.
I'm not complaining.
Because I love the people around me.
The feeling the nightmare created just freaked me out a bit.
But it's just a reality I have to square with eventually.


But regardless of the dream I had a really good day.
I had an excellent lunch with the pretty ladies and it was the complete opposite of my dream.
Everyone was present and accounted for, which was calming.

I started Skills Development I today.
Which is where I'm learning the basics of stocks, soups, knife cuts, etc.
I can't tell you the joy I felt when I was cutting up onions for mirepoix.
I literally exploded with happiness.
It's lame but I actually haven't cut anything, food/production wise, since June.
Buying something from the store and cutting it is different then doing it in a learning environment.
Trust me.
I felt so comfortable cutting onions.
I felt so comfortable smelling the chicken stock.
I feel extremely geeky typing that.
But it's the truth.
That's why I love culinary.
I was reminded today of that.

Chef Soileau (pronounced Swallow) is my teacher.
He is Cajun.
A graduate of the CIA.
Swears like a sailor.
Super nice guy.
Tough.
Blunt.
And funny.
I like him.
He expects a lot out of us, be he is willing to help us succeed to.

And on top of all that, we don't have written homework in this class.
Instead, we are just expected to study and act like responsible adults.
I am very happy.
It takes off so much stress, I can't even begin to tell you.

Hello, My Love, It's Getting Cold On This Island.

Lumière means "light" in French.
It is also the name of the candle from Beauty & The Beast.
It also is the name of the restaurant owned by Daniel Boulud located in Vancouver.
My mother is currently living in Vancouver.
On Lumière's homepage, the back round music is one of my favorite songs: Koop Island Blues by Koop.


If this isn't a sign from God telling me to have my externship here, I don't know what is.


I feel like I might have talked about this before.
If I have I'm wicked sorry.
But I have to talk about it again.
Because I have a news update on it.


This past Tuesday was the career fair here at CIA.
Dinex Group, Daniel Boulud's managing company were in attendance.
My nerves were a bit in overdrive when I went up to the woman representing Dinex Group.
I tried my hardest to be upbeat and friendly.
And to be as appealing as possible.
I shook her hand like three times.
Yeah.
It was kinda like that.

So Morgan has finally moved in
Gwen is gone.
It's different.
Not in a good way or bad way.
Just different.
It's going to take some time getting used to.

I'm very tired.
Well, my body is tired.
It's just been such stressful last few days, all I want to do it lay in bed and not move.
I want thanksgiving to hurry up.
I miss my family.
I miss New Hampshire.
I never thought I would catch myself saying that, but I really do.

If I Ever Leave This World Alive

So I suddenly remembered in the past three weeks I actually haven't talked about my classes all that much.

For Meat ID and Fabrication my Chef was Chef Schneller.
He was an awkward kind of funny.
He grew up around and was exposed to meat because his father was a butcher.
He wrote both our Meat and Poultry books.
He knew a lot about meat and sometimes he would talk so quickly and throw so much information at us it was hard to process it all.
Well it was hard for me at least.
I'm not really a fan of fabricating meat.
The blood and all that jazz wigs me out.
But don't get me wrong, I enjoy a cheeseburger just as much as anyone.
The whole process though, I could happily do without.
Don't tell me about the labor, just show me the baby.

Chef Johnson was my Fish ID and Fabrication teacher.
He seemed to really know what he was talking about when it came to fish.
But the thing is whenever he would talk, he had no problem with making sure everyone heard him.
In other words, Chef Johnson was an extremely loud talker.
But such a nice guy, so it made up for it.
The sad thing is, he wasn't able to teach us the whole seven days.
Our last two days he had to substitute for Chef Elisa, I believe it was, down in the meat room, because he was one of the only chefs that were certified to also teach meat.
So as a substitute in our class we had Chef Viverito.
Very intelligent, very blunt, very intimidating.
Pescetarian.
Funny as hell and has self describe himself as "eccentric".
I find smartassed, cocky, sarcastic people funny.
But that's just me.
I genuinely like Chef Johnson, but I think I would have really enjoyed Chef Viverito's class a lot.
Even though I was really intimidated by him, he seemed to genuinely enjoy teaching.

I found fish class a bit easier then meat class.
Not enjoyable,
Just easier.
Probably because I was just more comfortable in my abilities in cutting.
Speaking of cutting, the other day I got a 50 out of 50 for my Up and Over fillet cut.
Up and Over cuts are used for hard boned, round fish.
Hard boned fish are primarily bass, snapper, grouper, cod, and flat fish.
Hard bones are good for stock.
An Up and Over cut is a cut, which can be pretty challenging depending on the fish, is when you are basically cutting up and over the spine and rib cage.
I'm a pro at it.
It came very simple to me.
We even had to do it for the practical for the final, problem was that we had haddock as our fish.
Haddock is a cod.
Cod is very flaky and fragile and will fall apart because it likes to stress people like me out.
I did it and got a 56 out of 60, but still.
Would it kill them to give be a bass to cut?
I would have been happy with a snapper and the threat of possibly getting stuck with one of their poisonous needles in their fins then cut another haddock.
It stressed me out that bad.
Hopefully I did well on the final as a whole.
I would hate to fail that class.
The overwhelming sent of fish is enough to keep me away forever.

Knife Casualties: 4

As I Stand Here Quaking In My Boots

I am actually having a pretty good day.
Nothing has gone wrong.
Still a tad bit upset about yesterday.
Understandably so of course.
It wasn't fair.
Though no one said life was ever fair.

Speaking of fair.
Tomorrow is the Career Fair here at school.
I'm nervous.
I don't really know what to do.
I don't know what to say.
This is very important.
I have to impress these people.

I just had a thought.
I don't think I've actually come out and said where I'm hoping to go on my externship.
I want to go to Lumiere.
It's in Vancouver.
It's owned by Daniel Boulud.
High Class.
Wicked nice looking.
I'm nervous.

Time to work on my resume.
Joy.

Knife Casualties: 3

So Make Your Siren's Call And Sing All You Want

Today was actually a good day.
I was happy and content.
But then, I got some news I wasn't all that excited about.
In fact, I was down right mad about.
See when I get upset/angry/flustered/passionate, I tend to release that kind of energy through tears.
It's not that I'm actually crying,
But more like that is how I flush it out of my system.
Today was one of those days.
It was critical information that I needed to know
So I'm very thankful that Stephanie had not only the compassion of looking out for me, but the gonads to tell me what was up.
It really did mean a lot.
And in the end, I think it saved me from some possibly not so kind surprises.

I don't really like surprises.
I never have.
I shake my Christmas presents, it's that bad.
I'm not a surprise kind of person.
Don't try and surprise me.
Either it will startle me so bad I will scream, become upset or I will hit you so hard you'll have a bruise for a week+ for surprising me.
It depends on the surprise.
In the end, it's better to just tell me upfront and not let me find out until it's too late.
The only way I would ever like a surprise is if you are 100% positive I will like it.
And even then, it's still risky.

I'm more upset then anything.
Not a sad upset.
More like and unsettled upset.
I thought I meant a little more then deserving no response.
I thought our friendship meant a little more then that.

God forbid, I thought we were friends.
My mistake.
Shame on me for wanting to hangout with a stupid boy.
At least now I know for next time, I won't even bother.

On the complete bright side, I had a wonderful day with Stephanie, Morgan, Krissy and Annelise.
Family Dinners are the best.
Especially with these four.
<3

So Wear Me Like A Locket Around Your Throat.

I guess I'm just feeling the after effects of last night now.
I feel mushy and cold on the inside.
I'm in desperate need of a smile.
I can only smile so much.
Remember?
I'm not completely made of rainbows and sunshine 100% of the time.
I certainly try to be, but it's not always easy.
I have my moments when I need reassurance.

Most of what I believe, I think I made up in my own head.
I attribute it to a small bit of paranoia.
It's a total defense mechanism.
And a relatively new thing that been happening to me.
Just over a year now, by like a week.
I know exactly why I do it and why it happens.
I know why it developed and I can pinpoint the reason as to why it did.
The problem is, I can't find the off switch.
I think of the worst possible situation I could ever be in and worry about it.
Whether the situations I see are actually true or not remains to be discussed.
But I know it feels real because of what I'm seeing or what I'm experiencing.
Or what I'm expecting to see or experience.
I'm waiting for everything to crash.
I'm trying to prepare myself.
Because last time was a total blindside.
And up until that point, nothing had every emotionally hurt that bad before.
It's not fun.
I could do so much better without it.
I wish it never happened.
I understand now why they did what they did.
They had hurt everyone else in their life, so it was my turn now.
It's terrible reasoning, but the truth non the less.
So as a result I just try and hide it.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it bubbles over.
I guess I just have to relax and not try and read into things so hard anymore.

Anyway,
If you are reading this, thanks for the talk last night.
It really meant a lot to me.
You know who you are.


In completely different news,
Which I feel is much more positive,
I'm thinking about writing a book.
It's still really in the thought process stage.
I'm just sort of getting my thoughts typed into a word document.
It will not be completed for a long while.
I got a long journey for this book if I ever want to see it come into fruition.
Baby steps.

Kiss With A Fist

I feel awkward.
That's the best way that I can describe it.
Not my happiest, but certainly not sad.
Indifferent?
I don't know.

Have you ever experienced feeling, dare I say it?
Replaced?
Within any situation.
Mine in particular, is friendship.
Here let me explain
I guess I'm just not used to it.
Having so many people around me all the time that know my name and care about what I think.
Friendship wise.
I'm used to flying solo and only having one or two extremely close friends.
Which is quite depressing when I think about it to hard.
I had friends and people who I liked talking to.
But only a small handful I considered close friends.

I guess I'm just scared.
Scared of losing my place.
A place in what exactly, I'm not to sure of.

I guess I'm scared of being forgotten.
Of being left behind or not being taken into consideration.

It's happened before.
That's why I'm scared.
I'm just scared of it happening again, because I really like everyone I know here at school.
I don't want to lose my place.
If that makes any sense to you.

Maybe this is just me being paranoid.
But I can't help feeling like this on somethings.
Like becoming an afterthought almost.
I don't know.

Weather Wise, It's Such A Lovely Day

I was actually kinda looking forward to fabricating chickens today.
It was... dare it say it?
Fun.
(I guess it helped that I didn't have any gushers.)
Besides the chickens, we had some girl scouts come in that were on a tour.
They were so cute.
It made me happy.
Though they weren't selling cookies, which was a bummer.
I could go for some peanut butter patties right now.
Oh gosh... so good.

We were each given two chickens. Both were about three pounds each.

First the wings were taken off, then the thighs.

Next the chicken breasts which were frenched.

So I'm completely alone in my room right now.
And I'm not sad.
I feel much better then I did yesterday.
It's actually sort of welcomed for once, being alone.
Good Ally time.
Bad side is that I'm kinda cold and I'm a bit to lazy right now to reach over and turn on the heat...
Will someone come warm me up?

I don't have much to say tonight.
Except that I'm happier then I was last night.
Which on the grand scale is good, because this little lonely spell only lasted for a bit.
So if it ever happens again, maybe it will start decreasing in frequency and longevity.
One can only hope.

I hope everyone is doing well.
Thanks for being so awesome.

Little Lion Man

I was greeted by this lovely sight today.
For those of you who don't really know what animal it is, it's a lamb.
Today we fabricated a leg and half a rib rack.
And like always, the blood was a gushin'.
It wasn't all that pleasant.
I'm ready to go into fish now.
Even though apparently the kitchen is colder then the meat room and the smell is far worse.
But to be completely honest, I don't care.
Anything is better then watching an animal be disassembled in front of me.
And I know this isn't the last I'm ever going to be exposed to meat fabrication.
But fish is different.
To me, it's not the same.
I guess it's just hard for me to see an animal in a position like what I have pictured above.
But just because it's hard to watch doesn't mean I can't do it.
I would prefer not to, but I would in a heartbeat if a chef ever told me to.
And I would do it with a smile on my face, no matter what.
Because that's the kind of person I am.

Feeling kinda lonely all of a sudden.
It's been awhile since I've gotten upset.
I guess it's been a long time coming.
Just been delayed from all the happiness I've been trying to cram down my throat.
Like seriously, it just crept up and hit me in the face.
Not cool.
I'm wicked upset now.
And missing home.
Missing Dad.
And Ashley.
And Stephen.
And my beagle, Scarlett.
And of course my Mother.
Even though I'm about to Skype her in a half hour.
I guess I just need a hug.
I don't understand why this keeps happening to me...
It can't be good for my health.


Knife Casualties: 2

Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame

I think as humans we are naturally nosey.
We like to dig our fingers into things, even if it's not our business.
We like to hear stories.
We like to ask about personal situations, because we like to live vicariously through each other.
It's not intentional.
(But sometimes it is.)
And usually not in a vindictive way.
(But sometimes it is.)
We just like to see how someone else lives.
To be in someone else's situation without getting our hands dirty.
To be a fly on the wall, so to speak.
This is just a general observation I've made.

This weekend has been a blast.
Especially at the Zombie Prom.
I felt so relaxed.
I guess that's the best way to describe it.
I just danced and I didn't care.
So for anyone who saw me at the dance, that was me being Allyson.
Completely and totally.
Open.
Laughing.
Loud.
Dancing.
Smiling even more then normal.
I like being like that.
I wish I was like that more in reality then at a dance with the lights turned down.
I'm trying.

Another observation:
I am the most like myself when I am around people I care about or am close to.

Think about that for a second.
It sounds completely dim.
Obviously I would be comfortable with people I'm comfortable with.
But it's so true to me.
I'm just naturally a quite person.
When I have nothing to say, I usually don't say much.
So I'm sure it comes off shyness.
I'm not really all that shy.
If I was wicked shy, I don't think I would have such good friends already at school.
I think everyone is shy.
Even the most confident person has their moments.
I'm just quite.
With dashes of shyness, just like every other person in the world.

I had such a good time with Steph, Krissy, Annelise, and Morgan this weekend.
They are such good friends.
I love everyone to pieces.
We dressed up as the Spice Girls for Halloween.
I was Baby Spice, of course.
I don't think I've ever laughed as much as I have this weekend.

On Saturday my family came up to visit me.
They spent four hours in a car just to spend a few hours with me.
I can't tell you how grateful I am that I have such a loving and wonderful family.
I was already missing them as they were walking back to their car and I was walking back to my room.
Thanksgiving can hurry up now.

Happy Halloween.