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Bienvenido a Vancouver

Bienvenue à Vancouver

Welcome to Vancouver

More to come...

Leaving On A Jet Plane.

Today I am going to Vancouver.
Today I get to see my mother.
Today is a very happy day.
I'm in such a good mood, I don't even care that I am probably not going to sleep for a while.
It's fine.
It's Christmas.
I'm happy.

I Missed Your Skin When You Were East.

I truly never realized how much I would miss you.
I miss your unwavering company and attention.
You always made me feel better.
And now I've gone and made myself upset..
Awesome.
What a silly thing to get upset over.

Your Love Is Out, Believing Despite The Loss.

I am so confused lately.
Everyone, and I mean everyone has been asking about my well being.
I'm really not kidding.
Apparently I have had a look on my face or something to concern people enough about me.

I don't really know why.
I've been told before that I have a very readable face.
Which I have never had a problem with.
I guess it makes me feel more open to people

But anyway, back to my main point.
A complete stranger today held the door open for me.
He was quite good looking but that's besides the point.
He took one look at me and said "You should be happier, it's Friday!"
I didn't realize I didn't look happy.
Apparently I haven't recently.
I mean I feel alright.
Not 100% but who is all of the time, you know?
Yes I want break to come so I can see my family, but I didn't really think it would start showing on my face.
I guess it has.
And it's been unintentional.

Oh well.
Everything will be okay.

Tonight I hung out with Stephie and Annelise.
We had a crafts night.
I made presents for my family!
I hope they like them..



You do not make me comfortable.
I have never been so weirded out by someone before.
I guess weirded out isn't the right phrase.
I don't think I will be hanging out with you anytime soon.
To bad you don't know that yet.
I think it's funny how you think you're so suave.
Because you're not and you don't seem to realize that.
Oh well.

No First Dance, Freeze-Dried Romance, Five Hour Phone Conversation, The Best Soy Latte That You Ever Had, And Me?

I am doing alright.
And I'm content.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact Christmas is coming.
Family + Christmas(Presents) = Vancouver
Vancouver - 8 days = Mom

I seriously can't wait.

I feel like it sort of sneaked up on me this year.
Like one minute I was coming here to school and it was sunny and warm.
The next it's Winter and there is snow on the ground.

I don't like the Winter.
I have never really gotten used to the cold.
Which is weird considering I have lived in the North for like 13 years and I should be pretty used to it by now.
Personally I don't think anyone can get used to these types of temperature.

I went to the bookstore before class today to buy Christmas presents for my parents.
Grossly overpriced.
I could make something better then that for free.
It was a bit discouraging, not going to lie.

Today was a good day overall.
Except this list continues to grow...

Knife Casualties: 5
Burns: 7

Laugh Until We Think We'll Die, Barefoot On A Summer Night

I still need to edit.
Still very rough
Work in progress.
This is just excerpt:

        Five miles to go and it was raining outside. No, more like a torrential downpour. I was expecting cats and dogs to start falling from the sky at any moment. I was in a half state of warm and frozen. It was like the humid outside air was seeping in and tangoing with the cool air of the AC making my skin crawl with clamminess. My jeans felt tight and my shirt just didn’t lay on me correctly. Uncomfortable, isn’t exactly the word I would use to fully describe it. It was more then just uncomfortable. If I was uncomfortable, then it would be assumed that I was at one time comfortable. Nothing about this situation was particularly comfortable.

The Eagles softly crooned out of Daddy’s car speaker as we travelled down the highway. It was just him and I. He was gripping the steering wheel with tense muscles and I was fidgeting in my seat. What a pair we made. Mom wasn’t there with us. She was in Vancouver. In someways I’m happy that she wasn’t there, because if she was, I don’t think I could have ever gotten out of the car, in the end.

I felt heavy. Emotionally mostly; Nervous. I had practically chewed my finger tips off multiple times already. I know Daddy could sense it. The tension I exuded could be jack hammered it was so thick. He tried to calm me down, but I just couldn’t let myself relax. I had too many racing thoughts speeding through my head faster then I could ever possibly comprehend.

We were at the stoplight right in front of the gigantic building I could only describe properly as Hogwarts incarnate. Even through the rain, one could see that It was beautiful. And it had better be beautiful considering the money I was paying to this place for something as simple as an education.

It wasn’t even noon yet and move-in didn’t start until 1pm. I distinctly remember having something I could only attest to a minor panic attack and ordered my father away from the building as quickly as our massive car could take us. I was not ready yet. Going down to my living quarters and moving in would also mean Daddy would leave my side faster. I needed him still. Well I’ve always needed him, but now in particular I needed more then ever before. He was my last strand. The string that held me in place connecting me to my childhood and home. It was like I was being sucked into a black hole and that thin string was the only thing holding me down. It wasn’t going to last forever. But it had held quite nicely for the last eighteen years, I could surely hold on for another half hour, right? I like to name this particular black hole: Adulthood. I thought I was ready for it. I mean hell, I’ve been counting down the days until this exact moment. But when the time finally came, I just couldn’t bring myself to let go.

A remedy of chocolate chip pancakes did nothing to cure my worrisome heart. They tasted artificial. And the Maple syrup was terrible, it was Smuckers or some other brand I didn’t concern myself with to know. I just new it would never match up to Polly’s Pancake Parlor’s genuine maple syrup. New York has nothing on New Hampshire made maple syrup. The water was strange. I could taste and smell the wonderful fragrance of highly chlorination. Delicious. I knew at that moment I was far from home and my fresh mountain spring faucet water. It was depressing in a way I never could have imagined.

My body was tired, I could feel myself wanting to become sluggish. But I was hyped up on so much adrenaline I don’t think I could have sat still even if I wanted to. My hands were frozen solid and sweating at the same time. My face felt clammy and looked paler then it had ever before. Or maybe I had alway been pale and I was just noticing it more since I was standing in the restaurant’s bathroom, bathed in the artificial light coming from the hideous wall sconces. I hoped my roommates liked me. I hoped I liked them.

Put On The Red Light..

When I woke up this morning, I knew it was going to snow.
The sky was dark grey as I was walking to writing.
I know this sounds silly, but for a moment I imagined myself back in New Hampshire.
It felt the same here as it does at there, right before it's about to snow.
Everything felt right.
I know that sounds silly, but for that moment I was extremely happy.
Almost like I was about to see my mother or something.
But then I entered Roth Hall and realized that no, I'm not in New Hampshire.
I'm at school.
It was about to snow.
And guess what?
It did.

I feel like this is a dream at times.
A very long, realistic dream.
A dream that I will eventually wake up from.
And realize that these people and this place don't actually exist.
Like I'm going to suddenly wake up and be eight years old again.
Where my biggest problem was making sure my cursive writing was up to par.

It scares me.
Both because it's unrealistic
But also because with my luck, it could happen.

Oh what I life I lead.

Today we made our first "full plates".
Poached Salmon
Veggies (green beans, carrots, squash, leeks)
Boiled Tourne Potatoes
All covered in a Beurre Blanc sauce.
Yummmm.

Movie Night tonight.
Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Yes sir.

Edit:
Oh My Goodness!!!!!
Our wall of records is finally complete!

Where The Sidewalk Ends

If I had a nickel for every single time I have thought about you since I met you...
Well, I imagine I would be a millionaire by now.




There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
- Shel Silverstein

Clearing The Brain, The Only Way I Know How: Walking.

It's hard being so far from home.
Even if it's only four hours away.
It just feels farther because I have no car up here that I could use to go home.
Isolation at it's finest I guess.

These days seem to vary.
At times they zoom by faster then light
But then they are slower than molasses on a freezing day January.
I wish it would make up it's mind.
This bi-polarness is killing me.

I can hear Vancouver practically calling my name.
I've been told it's beautiful up there this time of year.
I miss my mother so much.
It's making me a bit sick to my stomach actually.

Time for a walk.
Clear my head.
Thank god for supportive people in my life.

Voice Of Reason

I am so tired.
Mentally tired.
Physically I could be awake for days.
I don't think I ever feel asleep last night.
I was in a half state.
Like my body was sleeping.
But my brain was like in a coma.
Aware of itself, but couldn't function.

That sounds so bizarre to me and I'm the one who typed it.

I feel sick.
Sick to my stomach.
I can't handle lying.
I don't lie.
If I ever do, I'm pretty terrible at it and the truth eventually comes out.

I'm just over it.
He, of all people, is the last person that needs to be lied about.
He will be a speck on your radar.
On everyone's radar.
Just like he is on mine.
It's an annoying speck.
All black and unpleasing to look at.
But in reality, it's just a speck.
That's all it ever truly was.

The world does not revolve around one person.
It revolves around the sun.
Which is part of our solar system.
Which is in the Milky Way Galaxy.
Which is a small part of our Universe.
And what do you look like?
Oh yeah, a speck.


I'm not trying to be negative.
I've been negative for a few days now.
It's not kosher.
The highlights have been:
Hanging with Stephie and Juhbronie.
Tourne-ing potatoes.
Reading.
Talking to my mother.

Oh that reminds me.
My mother.
Mom, I know you are reading this.
And you are right.
It is easy to kick people when they are down
And to bombard them with issues that have been festering for a while.
I have done this too much recently
And the quote you gave me, made me realize that.
I'm just upset, as you well know.
And I didn't mean to disappoint you or dad if I have.
This was just the only outlet I could find on such a short notice.
Which is silly, because I know lots of people I care about read this.
And I don't want this to reflect poorly on me either.
You always know the right things to say to me.
Whether I actually want to hear it or not.
Generally I do.
I just miss you.
You are my voice of reason
And I dislike you being in a different country and so far from me.
16 days, I believe.

"Remember, it's easy to kick people when they are down.
It's easy to sit in judgement of others.
Sometimes we all need to look in the mirror **and make sure it's not after you take a shower, so the Fog doesn't cloud your vision!!
"For Unto Us a Child is Born, Unto us A Son is Given, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."
Please notice it ends "Prince of Peace," not "Prince of Drama.""

- mom

Thank You For Flying Karma Airlines, We Have Reached Our Destination: Rock Bottom.

Personally, I believe you hit rock bottom quite some time ago.
You just haven't admitted it to yourself until this point.
And it's all your fault.
How does that feel to know that you did it to yourself?
That you put yourself into this situation.
Reason: because you are a strange and selfish person.

I'm confused by you.
But everyday I care less and less about that.
You are not as special as I thought you could be.
Bi-polar to the core.
Always searching for something.
I hate to break it to you, but you aren't about to find it here.
Unless you change your actions.
Unless you change your behavior.
Unless you change your attitude.
Unless you stop posting such whiny Facebook statuses about how much your life sucks and looking for some type of encouragement or attention.
No one cares.
I used to care, but I really don't anymore.
You hurt me a lot and again, I'm not some spineless jellyfish that is going to stick around and deal with that.
I have much better people to be around.
There is no getting through to some people and you are right at the top of that list.
News flash: The world doesn't actually revolve around you.
Grow up and get a life.
I think you would be much more enjoyable to be around if you did

So in the time being, have a good time wallowing in self misery.
I tried to help you.
Lord knows I tried..
But even I have a hard time fighting Karma.

And If You Were An Ocean, I'd Learn To Float.

Alright here is the bad stuff.
I'm sure you have waited with bated breath.

The only reason I didn't want to talk about it last night was because I just didn't want to.
Plain and simple.
Its a bit different now though.
I don't really care.
Okay, here goes nothing:

There are two people in this equation along with myself
I will call them: Person A and Person B.
I have considered Person A a very close friend of mine.
Person B, I have known since the beginning of school.
Person B and I had a thing.
I don't like talking about it and I actually regret it more and more everyday.
But you can't change the past.
So whatever.
"B" is not the type of person you would want to date.
Being friends with "B" is alright but anything more than that and it turns bad.
I told Person A about Person B and I.
This was done in confidence and because I trusted "A".
Because "B" was starting to talk to "A" a whole lot.
Which I actually don't care about, but I care about "A" so I talked about "B" to "A".
Regardless of our talk ,"A" still talks to "B", knowing full well what "B" is capable of.
"A" likes "B".
"A" doesn't care about my opinion and brushes my warning off without a care.
I am angry, upset, and feel used.
It was a selfish thing for "A" to do and I'm still hurting.
I have talked to "A" about it.
But it seems I can't get through to "A".
I left this kinda thing back in high school, four hours away from here.
I have never ever done this to someone I considered a friend.
It just didn't happen.
But honestly it's whatever.
If "A" honestly wants "B" that badly, fine.
Take "B".
I don't want "B".
I never have.
I've only wanted the idea I projected onto "B".
Which I have finally come to the realization of.

I just don't want "A" to lie about it anymore.
That's what is currently killing me about this situation.
To lie about "B".
I don't care.
I don't care if they are friends.
Just stop lying about it.
Tell the truth.
Don't be so sketchy about it either.

I might be nice and friendly to people.
But that doesn't mean I'm some meek, spineless jellyfish.
I don't like it when people lie to me.
Especially to my face.
I can't tolerate something like that.


Another bad note:
Theresa texted me today.
She asked if I liked her still as a friend.
And for the first time in a while, I told her the truth about what I thought of the friendship.
I do not believe we will speak anymore.
The end of that chapter of my life.
Holy crap.
Feeling indifferent I guess.
I have already been sad about this in the past.
Again, it's something I care less and less about everyday.
It's a terrible thing to say, but it's the truth.
I've just out grown her and the drama she carries.
Again, petty, but maybe she never cared either about me.
Oh well.


On a happier note:
I hung out with Steph all day.
Which was fantastic because I adore that girl.
And I talked to Manny Lopez, who I miss a lot.
All in all it was actually a pretty good day.
I needed a lounge day today.
And I got one.

If You Were A Castle, I'd Be Your Moat.

I have had a strange week.
It had its terrible points but then it had it's wonderful points.
The terrible aspects I'm not going to get into right now.
I've just been talking and thinking about it so much lately.
I think if I talk about it anymore I might scream.
I'm still a bit angry.
Still hurt.
I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
Maybe I will later.
I don't know yet.
All I can say about the terrible points is that I've had such good support from Stephie and another friend. (who will go nameless for now).

Now onto the good points.
Stephanie Eyster is the world's greatest roommate and friend.
Without her here, I don't know what I would do.
She always knows the right things to say to me to calm me down or make me laugh.
I don't think college would be as fun without her and I'm so lucky to call her my friend.
It's been a long time since it was just Steph and Ally, because we have acquired a wolf pack now.
So when we hung out with just the two of us, I realized how much I missed it.
Not that I don't love our friends, because I do!
But it was nice just hanging out like old times.

What is happening currently:
Kris is getting her hair dyed by Steph, but we have ran out of dye.
So we are making a 1am run to Walmart to go get more dye.
Ha.

I'll write more about the terrible later.
Most likely tomorrow.
I'm very tired.
Movie time in the near future.