When You're Singin' In Your Sleep.

I was going to dedicate this blog about lamenting the fact that all of my close friends I have at the moment will be away on externship on my birthday and I will be completely alone.
Which sucks a lot.
Cry, cry, cry.
Poor me.
Alright.

But I just can't!
I'm just so happy right now.
I can't believe how much love and acceptance I have been getting recently from my friends and family.
To know that they are reading this blog.
Listening to what I'm saying and then responding to it.
The feeling is indescribable.
But it's so humbling and warm...
I know that's kind of awkward to say, but I'm not actually used to it.
I mean, I'm used to my family being there for me, but not to this magnitude.
Or maybe just because I'm away from home I'm noticing it more.
I don't know.
One things for sure, I'm not used to having friends be there.
In high school I had only a few friends I considered myself "close"with.
In retrospect I had more acquaintances then anything.
So I did have something of a support system, but nothing like this.
This just feels different.
And I prefer it.
The sad thing is, I haven't spoken to a majority of the people I used to consider friends in the longest time.
I guess in college you really do find out who your true friends are.

Anyways.
What I'm trying to say is, thank you.
I let lots of people into my life.
But hardly do they ever make a ripple in my line of vision.
In your case, if your reading this, you have either made a ripple or just cannon balled yourself right in.

I don't say it often enough to the people I care about, I think.
And I don't want you to take it wrong.
Regardless if you are family, a new friend, a old friend, used to be more or might be something more tomorrow.
I love you.
And I can't imagine a world without ever knowing you.
If you are reading this, it means that you care enough about me, to want to know what I'm thinking.
And I appreciate you so much for that.
You know who you are.
Thanks for making such a big splash.
It means the world to me.
I don't know how else to say it.

I have been dealing with a sense of sadness recently.
A loneliness that feels like a itch I just can't scratch sometimes.
So has my friend Eric.
I have been trying to help him to the best of my abilities, to be there for him and be the best friend I could possibly be for him, but I know from experience that sometimes, that isn't enough.
I think as Humans, we crave a certain companionship.
An unconditional love and devotion to someone else and to have that same devotion given back to us.
That is sometimes very hard to find.
Especially if your as picky as me.
So I found a solution.
Instead of relentlessly searching and becoming upset if I can't find anything,
I will become my own personal beacon of happiness.
Let me explain:

Why should I let anyone dictate my happiness, besides myself?
If they do, you give them power over you.
That isn't good.
Or healthy for that matter.
You are your own person.
You wake up each and every day with the knowledge that it can either be a good day or a bad day.
Don't let the little things get you down.
So you stubbed your toe.
Fine.
Swear loudly and curse at the wind for your temporary misfortune.
But just because that happened, doesn't mean it's going to be a bad day.
Or you run into someone that you never want to talk to or see ever again.
Just because you saw or talked to this person doesn't mean your going to have a bad day.
It's all about positive attitudes.
Brush it off.
It already happened.
There is nothing you can do about it, so don't mope around thinking "woe is me, my life sucks..."
Because it doesn't.
Know why?
Know why??
Because I'm in your life, it can't suck that bad.

Why waste away your happiness and life, being sad?
It's no fun.
Life is what you make of it.
That is what I've realized this week.
You wanna eat that extra piece of pie?
You go right ahead.
Ex-girlfriend got you down?
Ignore her, you are better off without her.
2am trip to White Castle, which is an hour and a half away, because one of your friends has the munchies?
Why not?! It will make a great story to tell one day.

Morel of the story?
You are worth all the happiness in the world.
So stop waiting for something to happen.
Go out and get it.
You might not find it right away.
But if you keep your eyes open as far as they will go, you'll find something eventually.

To Infinity And Beyond.

I don't really know what to type....
All I have been doing today is sleeping, eating pancakes and thinking about you and knowing you are not thinking about me.
The last part wasn't fun.
It was driving me down right crazy.
And just when I was about to become extremely upset, you go and prove me wrong and make me smile.
It's pretty ridiculous.
In a funny, kinda messed-up way.
Oh well.
At least I can see the humor in situations like this.

I like to plan.

I'm a planner.

A creature of habit, if you will.

When I make friends, it's because I have found the perfect spot for you in my plan and it allows the friendship between us to blossom and grow and I like it like that.

But don't get me wrong, I love being spontaneous and I'm always open to going on adventures.

It's just the anomalies that get me.

I'm looking at you, kid.

The anomalies are the people who get under my skin in a very awkward way and don't actually have a spot designated for them.

They are just sort of there.

Like a weed, but nicer to look at and easier to be around.

Still, there is an urge to pluck you out and toss you away.

But I don't want to.

I'm starting to like you where you are and slowly but surely I'm moving things around so you can fit too.

It might be a little uncomfortable for a while, though.

I don't mean this, in a mean kind of way.

More like a way of "how the hell did you get past the defense system of my plan without me noticing?"

It's actually a pretty strange place to be in.

Because I feel an odd sort of fondness for you.

I think that's why I'm still talking to you.

And why I still consider you a friend.

I've been thinking of the future a lot recently.
Where I can see myself in ten years.
Will I be happily married and have screaming ankle biters for children?
Or will I be working, working, working until the day I die?
I wish I could just glance into the future.. for even just a moment.
I don't want to stay... I just want to see what it looks like.
Just so I could have some sort of idea of where I'm supposed to be headed.
If I'm going to be happy.
Or lonely forever.
Or is the future subjective?
And it wouldn't matter if I saw it or not because it will change with every decision I make.
Is fate real or do we make our own destinies?
I would like to have it both ways I think.
I create my own destiny, but some things are set in stone no matter how much I deviate from it.
I like to think it gives me a bit of a pre-determined foundation.
And in someways, it's comforting to think about.
Anyway, I would just like a peek.
One single glance.

Another question that likes to plague my mind is, how will I know when my "future" has arrived?
How will I recognize it?
What does a "future" even look like?
Because I could potentially share my life with someone, will I be able to determine the "future" as even mine or that person's?
Would it matter since we are sharing a life or "future" anyway, and it doesn't belong solely to either of us?
What is a future?
Will I like it there?
Is it a place or a state of mind?
Is the weather nice there, or will I need an umbrella?
I have so many questions I almost feel like a little kid again constantly asking, "why?"
I just want to be prepared.
It's that whole planner mentality again.

Then I literally Stumble Upon this little gem:
"The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be."
Oh my...
It was like God was trying to tell me to calm the hell down before I have early death.
This is what I love about life.
The littlest surprises that just pop up and make me smile.
And right now, I'm not all that worried about the future anymore.
When it comes, it comes.
I may not see it or I may be able to pin point it.
And no matter how what, no one is ever prepared for it.
It just happens, so let it happen.
There is no use rushing it, because the journey to it will pass me by.
And the journey is probably gonna be the best part.


p.s. I found another poem that I really liked:


Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry, 
I am not there; I did not die.
- Mary Elizabeth Frye

Time Square Can't Shine As Bright As You.

Alright, listen to this.
When I was a kid we used to live in Heath, Ohio.
Both my parents worked kinda long hours, from what I remember so we had a baby sitter.
Her name was Miss Noelle.
One night Miss Noelle had cooked us up Spaghetti Squash for dinner.
My brother and sister has gulped theirs down and were begging for seconds and thirds.
I could even get past a few bites.
This ugly pile of yellow mush stared back at me, taunting me.
I remember I would take a bite then take a huge swig of milk to dilute the taste of the squash.
Eventually I ran out of milk, so when I asked for more milk Mr. Chris, Miss Noelle's strict husband, said I couldn't until I ate more of my food.
I don't know why I didn't like it.
Looking back on it, it makes me laugh.
I hope I didn't hurt Miss Noelle's feelings.
I was only five at the time, younger most likely.

So anyway, I bring this up because of Product Knowledge today.
We were learning about tomatoes, peppers, and squash.
And of course, which type of squash does she have us try?
You got it, spaghetti squash.
It's not required to taste all the food, if you don't want to.
And I almost let the squash past me by.
But in that split second, I heard my mother's voice in my head:
"Oh Ally, just try it. Your taste buds have changed by now."

So I tried it.
It was delicious.
I don't know why I didn't like it back then, but I like it now.


I have a cold.
I have been viciously denying this fact because I don't want to use it as some excuse to not go to class.
So don't worry, I have been making myself go to every class.
I went to the Nurse's office yesterday for some cough drops.
They gave me some cough medicine and 5 cough drops.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 5 cough drops?
Do they think I'm gonna O.D. on cough drops if they give me more then five?
It makes me not want to use them, so I'm practically treating them like gold.
And to top it all off, my neighbors have been blasting music for the past four hours.
Though I do approve of the play list right now:
John Lennon - Let it be. (happy birthday shout out, btw)
The Fray - How to save a life.
Guns & Roses - Sweet child 'o' mine.
Marshall Tucker Band - Can't you see?
Jack Johnson - If I had eyes.
Kanye West - Gold Digger
Kings of Leon - Use somebody
etc.
This is kind of a stretch for these guys considering its house music that they are usually pumping through their speakers.
Oh well.
No dinner for me tonight from K-16 or any production kitchen.
I don't have the energy to make myself get out of bed and bother.
It's a little upsetting.

We have a three day weekend now.
I was tempted to ask my dad if I could come home.
But I didn't.
I don't know why, I guess with being sick, I just didn't want to deal with the hassle.
I miss my dad.
I miss my sister.
I miss my dog.
I miss sleeping in my own bed and not having to question who was the previous owner of it.
And of course I miss my mother who is in Vancouver and my brother who is in Troy, NY attending RPI.
But the thing is, me missing them right now isn't as bad as it has been in the past.
I think it's because I'm sick, and home has always had the comforting quality to it, so that's why I'm thinking of them.

Sitting alone in my dorm, sick, listening to my neighbors blast music isn't so bad.
But I would like a hug.
Hugs always seem to make things better for me.
That.. or Creme Brulee.
Or both!
Hehe.

I Am Jack's Complete Lack Of Surprise.

So Food Safety was a little interesting today.
I have written before that Professor Vergelli is a tree hugger.
Also very Liberal but I don't care about that.
To each his own, I think.
Today he accidentally brought in his political view point when answering a question because he thought that, that was the question being asked.
We were talking about meat manufactures.
He used the phrase "why should they be stuffing their pockets, when there are people who actually need that money."
Now, I don't want to get political.
I don't agree with him on that because I'm fiscally conservative and I believe that I deserve whatever I worked for and that I shouldn't have to give my money to people who did not do the same kind of work that I did.
I'm leaving it at that.

Why I am mentioning this, is because of the feeling I got when he said this.
It struck me funny.
Don't get me wrong, I obviously realize that there are different political opinions.
I just forgot that the whole world didn't agree with me, for a minute.
My parents are more fiscally conservative.
That's how I have been raised.
That doesn't mean I don't like poor people or that I don't want to help them.
I just don't want to give them my hard earned money. plain and simple.
They didn't earn it.
If they worked side by side with me, doing the exact same work with me, I would have no problem sharing my profits with them.
But that isn't the case.
I would much rather help these people get education or help them find a job, instead of dealing out checks from the government.

Now if you have read this far, and haven't left my blog because you are morally offended by my viewpoint on this subject, I have another reason why I am bringing this up.

I am very scared.
I am going to be working extremely hard for the next twenty years.
In those twenty years, I will be working to open up my own restaurant/pub/bar/eatery/whatever.
It is going to be stressful.
It is going to be hard.
My blood, sweat and tears will go into making this dream of mine a reality.
I hope to become successful and well known.
I hope to become very well-off due to my hard work.
But even when I do open my own place, the hard work doesn't stop there.
It will continue.
There will be no break in working hard in my future.
And when I do become successful and finacally well-off, I will be seen as "filthy rich."
My twenty+ years of excessively hard work will mean nothing.
I will be seen as having "too much money".
It will happen.
Especially if I become famous.
So at the base of all this, I think I should be entitled to my money.
I worked hard, those 20+ years, for my success and I don't think I should be forced by the government to give away any profit that I make.
That is my money.
I earned it.
It didn't just appear over night.
It would have been building and saving itself up for twenty+ years.
I will give it away, and I will, as I see fit.
Don't tell me that I have "too much".
In my opinion, I will never have enough and it's not anyone's business, but mine, to decide how much is too much.

After I leave school, I am going to be in debt up to my eyeballs.
Its going to take years to pay off.
And on top of that, I'm trying to create a restaurant?
And the government is still taxing me.
Am I crazy or something?
No.
I just have dreams.
Dreams that will come into reality.
I know what I'm doing.
I know how people will see me when I become successful.
"Lucky", "The winner of life's lottery"
Wrong.
I'm paying too much money for education and too much into my future to be considered lucky.
"Hard worker" should flash across you mind when you see my name in lights.

Rant over.
I don't like getting political.
Everyone take it too personally, myself included.

You Make It Easier When Life Gets Hard.

Cheryl Stanley is my new Gastronomy teacher.
So far, she is very nice and she seems to know what she is talking about when it comes to gastro.
Three weeks in and I finally know what gastronomy mean:
Gastronomy is the study of how and what people eat.
Looking back at the past weeks I feel a little silly that I didn't come to this conclusion myself.
Oh well.
I've learned it now.
p.s. I actually have homework in this class now. I am lamenting this fact quite heavily...

Eric Hodge -
He asked me why I didn't use him name in my last post.
So I promised him if I ever decided to mention him again, I would.
Told you so, Hodge.
I always keep my promises.
:)

I had a thought today.
Why do I blog?
Yeah I guess this is a way to journal about my experiences at CIA.
But honestly, it's wicked theripudic.
I can talk for paragraphs and paragraphs, lines after lines.
My blog can't really talk back to me so it's like a silent confidant.
It's nice.

I found a picture of an octopus.

That octopus is going on a wall of my pub/bar/restaurant/eatery/whatever.

I love it so.

I tried to put it up here, but it's not showing up.
If you would like to see it, I will send you a link.
It's pretty epic looking if I do say so myself.


Umm, what else?
I signed up as a T.V. host in Gourmet Club yesterday.
I hope my nerves don't get the best of me on that one.


Dear Miranda,
Thanks for talking to me for over two hours tonight on skype.
It was one of the highlights of my day and made me miss home a little less then I was.
Love, Al.


p.p.s. If I give you my mailing address, will you send me stuff?

Please and thank you.

Between Two Lungs

I have to admit one thing I did today.
I broke my promise to myself.
I started thinking... again.
Recently whenever I have thought about myself and my situations I have gotten a bit upset.
This is why I would rather ask you, how you are rather than talk about myself.
I also see it as a more considerate way to talk to people, but that's getting off topic.
Today I was dealing with loneliness.
I was talking to my friend last night (who will go nameless out of my respect for them) who was also dealing with their own sense of loneliness.
In short, this person is searching for someone to make them incandescently happy.
They have yet to find this kind of person and their disappointment is starting to show.
This has lead me to my own self evaluation, because I am having the same problem as this person.
Even though I don't like to admit these sort of things to myself.
I am very lonely.
And I honestly didn't realize until today, how lonely I actually am.
Family is one thing I know I can always turn to and I think they will understand me when I say that family love sometimes isn't enough.
I need more than unconditional family love.
And I never realized it until today.

I had a chance last year at having a relationship.
I truly liked this person.
He was so nice and funny and smart.
But for one of the first times in my life I turned my back.
I thought about me first and not my friend.
I focused on my goals and abilities.
I was selfish with myself for the first time with this friend of mine; with this guy.
He would have distracted me.
Taken my focus off of school.
Possibly jeopardized me getting accepted to CIA
It was actually kinda liberating, until about a week after I told him I couldn't go out with him because I needed to focus on myself, I found out he had another girl waiting for him.
I didn't find him so nice anymore..
I'm not emotionally hurt by this anymore, but it still pisses me off thinking about it.
But I can't help but think, what would my life look like right now, had I gone out with him?
I'm not totally sure.
And I don't actually don't want to know.
Would of, should of, could of, ya know?

But anyway, back to my dilemma.
I'm lonely.
I haven't had a boyfriend in almost two years.
And yes, it does suck.
I would like one.
Just like any girl in the world.
I want a boy to look at me and think I'm the prettiest, nicest, sweetest girl ever.
But it's a bit unrealistic for me to believe right now.
In those gap years since my last boyfriend, I convinced myself to stop looking so hard.
And I did.
Honestly.
Almost stopped looking completely because I was so focused.
And then I get to college.
I never thought that I would have so much time to myself to just think about stuff.
Never really thought I would meet someone who was having the same kind of problem as me.

This person came to visit me today before I left for class.
They brought along hugs and cookies and tried not to fall asleep in my bed even though I wouldn't have cared if they had.
It might have seemed small and insignificant to this person, but it truly made me happy to have someone to talk to.
Someone that I think understood exactly how I was feeling.
It was really comforting.
And now I'm happy again.
p.s. You were right, the cookies weren't all that great, but the fact that you thought to bring them to me is what counts.

Okay!
This is the second half of my astonishingly long blog.
It's very good news.
I am getting a new roommate.
My darling roommate Gwen is moving out and switching rooms with Steph and I's friend, Morgan.
The reason?
Different sleeping schedules.
Here's the thing, Gwen goes to bed pretty early.
She is the definition of a morning person.
Steph and I are night owls.
Morgan is also a night owl.
Morgan's roommates are just like Gwen and they go to bed early too.
So we found a solution that everyone seems pretty great with.
Morgan and Gwen are switching.
We have talked to the RDs and they said that they were fine with it.
So in about six weeks, when all the paperwork and files are completed, Morgan and Gwen are switching.
I have to say, I'm going to miss Gwen a lot.
But I think in the long run and since we are getting into our cooking classes, it will be better for everyone to get the correct amount of sleep that they need every night.

p.p.s. This is currently one of my favorite poems. All you have to do is imagine Morgan Freeman reciting this and it makes it a million times more epic. ha.


Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley

In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash

"God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change: The Courage to Change the things I Can: The Wisdom to know the difference."
- The Serenity Prayer


My mother put this as her status on her Facebook. 
It made me smile and I thought that this certainly applied to me today.
Out of complete respect of everyone involved or in knowledge of a certain situation, I won't add on to what I just claimed.
In my opinion, it is certainly not something to blog about for the whole world to see.


So today I worked on my Specification Sheet for Product Knowledge.
It's like we have to order a product for our restaurant and the spec sheet is the process we are practicing in ordering food.
Capiche?
Guess what product I have?
The "King of Fruit", Durian.
Yup.
You can feel bad for me if you want to.
At least I don't have to touch it.


In other great news, to my astonished surprise, I saw Chip today! Back at school from extern.
Well actually Chip saw me.
And gave me a big huge hug.
I didn't realize how much I needed a hug today, until that moment.
It literally was the most perfect timing ever...ever, because I was looking down at my cellphone and then I look up and see Chip's smiling face.
And I found out that He is an RA in my building!
It was like being at MST again.
It was like seeing an old friend for the first time in years, that wonderful, warm, familiar face.
It was like seeing home.
And I never really realized how much I missed not only home, but MST.
I miss Ashleigh and Rich and Manny and AJ and Britney and Tyler and of course my chefs, Tabor and McGee.
But now I've seen Chip.
I can't really describe it, but it was one of the best feelings in the world.
It was like God was telling me that everything from that moment on will get better today.
And so far, so good.


+ Chip, if on the off chance that you are reading this, thank you so much for your welcoming hugs. They made me feel like I was on top of the world.


In a completely sorta off topic way,
I have noticed little changes in myself.
I thought about God more this week, then I have since being at home and around my mother.
I'm not totally sure why, I just have.
And I'm not opposed to it.
It feels good.