This Too Shall Pass

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Steven Kloves (screenplay writer)

Words I need to live a little closer to.

I'm not even that upset.
Just disappointed.
I was having a good time and feeling really good about myself.
I still feel good about myself.
I'm just disappointed with the situation and result.
I'm not sure about the next step.
Or where I should go from here.
I'm feeling awkward and uneasy.

I go after the things I want and I don't wait around or beat around the bush.
I've done enough of that in the past and I refuse to do it anymore.
But it's exhausting to do all the work.
Is it bad to say that I don't want to do all the work anymore?

I'll be cheery again by morning.
I can already feel it starting.
I need a milkshake, stat.
And new shoes and a new dress.
Those would be nice.

Start With A "Why".

New Year Resolution: To remember that I am human and that I need to learn, grow, and heal, from my mistakes.

~.~.~.~

Start with a "why".

Why am I sad?

Because I feel abandoned.

Why does this abandonment hurt?

Because it feeds off my fear of trusting people with my emotions and feelings.

Why do I have a fear of trusting people?

Because I have been hurt badly by people in the past and now also in the present.

~.~.~.~

I categorize myself to be a very passionate and emotional person.
I choke up during movies and sentimental things all the time.
When I get angry, I clam up and become flustered and upset.
When I love, I give it my absolute all.
And when love ends, whatever kind of love it is, the pain of abandonment overwhelms and confuses me.

This past year has been a time of immense highs and lows for me.
And now I am feeling all the aftershock of a love lost.

I don't actually like talking about my problems or feelings.
I only do when I feel completely secure with that person and even then it is still difficult.

I have a difficult time trusting people.
The hurt I have experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
It is a terrible thing to loose trust.
And I hope you never experience it.

When I do finally open up, it means something to me.
It's feels like solid ground that I can stand on without the fear of it giving away underneath me.
But when that trust dissipates or goes away, so does the solid ground.
And I find myself in free fall... again.

Maybe one day I will find it easier to trust people.
But for now I am going to need your help.
Know that I will always have your back, regardless of whatever happens.
I just need to know that you have my back as well.

~.~.~.~

Support is most welcomed, in any form.
A note.
A shoulder.
A hug.
I don't care as long as it is something that you want to give from you to me.

Make Someone Happy

I'm getting better.
I'm starting to feel happy again.
It's a slow healing process and at times I still feel a tad awkward with certain things.
But this week has been steadily getting better and better everyday.

I think I forgot who I was.
And who I wanted to be.
I think I forgot to love myself.
I forgot to focus on things that made me happy and focused on things that didn't.
I started to become someone I promised myself I wouldn't become again.
Someone pessimistic and sad.

But that has stopped now, before any lasting damage could really be made.
I can't compromise my happiness again.
I can't be pessimistic.
I believe it goes against my nature as a person, I just can't handle it.
I think I'm entitled to at least that much.
Because realistically, if I am unhappy, how could I possibly make someone else be happy too?

I'll be okay.
This "healing" thing is taking its time.
But if it was fast, then how could it be effective for me?
And I'm still sad in certain ways.

But I can feel myself becoming happy again.
Everyday that fact is becoming more and more apparent to me.


I have been listening to this song on repeat for the past day and a half.

How Woozy My Eyes

Dio Mio.
I don't know what to think/feel/say.
I'm a jumble of mixed and organized emotions.
My heart has let my head down again.
At least that's what it currently feels like.

This post has been almost a week in the making.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say or where I'm going with this one.
A lot has happened to me personally this week

I guess I just feel so completely disappointed.
And of course heartbroken, but that sort of goes without saying.

But I'm going to be okay.
I'm always going to be okay.

Today was easier.
Hopefully that trend will continue.

I'm just confused about where I am right now.
Am I truly alright, or am I so far in denial I don't even realize it?

I would like to give myself some credit and claim that I am feeling better.
But right now, I just don't know for sure.
Time will tell.
It's only been four days.

I just wish time would get around to telling me already.

On That Midnight Street.

I think I have attempted to write this particular blog ten times.

I don't really know what to say.
Everything has been happening so quickly.
So much has happened.
I don't know what I should write and what I should keep to myself.

To be honest I don't really know who reads this journal thing that I've been keeping for so long now.
I suppose that's the source of my hesitation.

I guess the best I can do for now is to remain ambiguous.
The townhouse is a dream.
It feels so amazing to have people around that I actually like having around.
Classes are going totally fine.
I really like all my teachers which is actually pretty remarkable.
They are all such different people.
It's nice to have such a good diversity.
My favorite class is Italian because I have been wanting to learn the language for so long now and I feel like I can finally check something off my bucket list.
My least favorite class is probably Macroeconomics plainly for the reason that I would rather spend the hour and a half learning something other than economics.
Mr Flynn is a fine teacher, but I just don't like the class.
I pay attention because I have to, not because I want to.
It's actually pretty boring, but I need the credit and I suppose I can learn something along the way.
Oh well.

I currently have a temporary job.
I am working at Caterina d' Medici as a hired worker.
Traditionally it is only a student run environment, but the class size this block is very small, so my friend Audrey who is the Matire d' at Caterina hired me and a few other people to help fill in the gaps.
I am getting paid 8 dollars an hour.
It's not a whole lot, but at least it's money!

The social part of my life is going fine.
I sometimes imagine what my life at school would have looked like had I not met any of the people I know here now.
I would like to think I would have been fine, but it wouldn't have been as enjoyable.
It's getting harder to think about life without them now.
Without him.
Without an "Us".
I feel more attached now then before.
Before I could walk away and give up.
But now, it makes me sick to think like that.
It makes my heart hurt if I think to much on what the future will look like.
But things like that are inevitable and there is only so much time.

I know I shouldn't focus on the future.
I'm really trying not to.
But it's like this great big cloud coming.
I can't really see it yet, but I know it will get here one day.

Everything is going to be alright.


Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long...
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet?


P.s. I am trying to do NaNoWriMo. It isn't working out. I have no clue how I am going to get to 50k words now. I'll try and figure something out.

The Soundtrack To My Summer

Our next door neighbor plays the piano.

I may or may not pretend that it is my own personal soundtrack.

It is particularly wonderful to listen to when I am reading..

Beyond The Trees

This is slightly overdue, but oh well.

I have now graduated my AOS degree at the Culinary Institute of America.
It seems like just yesterday I started at school.

I will be back at school in October to start my Bachelors Degree, then I will be done.

Tomorrow my family and me will be driving across the country to travel back to Vancouver, British Columbia.
It's going to take 49 hours.
And that's just how long the driving will take, no including the sights we will visit or the breaks we will take.
Things we are planning on seeing during our trip:

• Worlds Largest Ball of Twine. (The one in Wyoming, not Minnesota)
• The Corn Palace (yes, really)
• Wall Drug (it has a giant dinosaur near it)
• Devil's Tower (No, I haven't seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind)
• Cedar Point (possibly)
• Whatever other tourist trap we happen upon.

I'm excited for the adventure this will be, but it's going to be a long time.

I can feel the cabin fever starting to grow.
I will update on my condition as often as I can.