Approaching Friday

I get into some moody moods sometimes.
Everyone needs to have a little pity party for themselves sometimes, right?
I just choose to have mine here, where people are able to read it.

No, I'm not about to chuck myself off some bridge.
And I am in no way ungratefully of the people I have in my life.
I love everyone so dearly and I am fortunate to have them.

But sometimes I just need to rant.
I choose to do this here on my blog because it gives me the chance of getting it all out there in some form.
Yes, I could just as easily talk to someone, but at the expense of talking their ear off, I choose this medium instead.

I really am fine.
I just need people to speak plainly to me at times.
To tell me that they love me.
That they miss me.
That they want to spend time with me.

It seems a little pathetic, but I can't help but just crave some blunt feelings from people.
I'm leaving.

I'm alright.
I'm just feeling lonely recently.

Packing Up

I feel like no one really cares (at school) that I'm about to graduate.

I don't want to pack up my things.
It's a terribly sad thing to do.
Even sadder to do it on my own.
But everyone I've asked never wants to help.

I only want to do it early, to get it out of the way so I don't have to worry about it and can focus on having a good last week and a half.

I feel like I do a lot for people, but when I ask for a little help, everyone says no in one way or another.
I'm not angry at anyone in particular.
I'm just really annoyed at how much stuff I have and I don't have anyone to help pack it with me.
I haven't asked for someone to devote an entire afternoon, all I want is like 20 minutes.

It's a really lonely experience.

But maybe I'm being too irrational.
I understand that people are truly busy.
I'm very busy myself.

I just view this as one of the most unpleasant things to do.
And it's like no one wants to help, which makes it feel like no one cares that I'm leaving.

I'm terribly homesick, I have a horrible headache, I don't want to leave my boyfriend and friends, but I do want to graduate next week and for once I just want someone to think purely about me.
I believe that seems like a selfish thing to write, but I just want people to care that I'm leaving.

Sometimes it feels like I never make any kind of impact on anyone.
Like no one actually misses me.
Even to me that sounds like a silly thing to think about.
But for some reason I just kinda feel that way right now.

I don't really know why I'm having a "woe is me" moment right now.
I'm just upset.
A bit annoyed.
And feeling kinda lonely.
I just want someone to put aside their wants and needs to help me out for a few minutes.

I don't know.

Merry Birthday Time

This past Wednesday was my birthday.
It was one of the best I've ever had and I am blessed to call the people I celebrated it with, my friends.

I'm graduating in a few weeks.
I'm feeling a little bittersweet about it though.
I am over the moon excited and proud of myself about it, but the thought of being separated from all the people that made this year so special, will be very hard.

My mother made a suggestion that I go back to this time last year and look at the blog entries from then.
It's funny that I can look back to exactly a year ago, and know exactly what I'm talking about.
Last year I was very sad.
I was lonely, scared, and I didn't feel like I had a friend to turn to.
The friends I thought were my friends, ended up not being my friends at all.
Going on Externship was so scary and daunting, I literally had mini panic attacks because I was so anxious.
I remember last year about being happy that it was my birthday, but having no one to spend it with was not fun.
It's was not the best time in my life.
Actually, I would much rather forget large parts of the school year.
It wasn't emotionally, physically, and mentally good for me.
To be honest, it is slightly painful to think back to some of the events that happened last year.

It's because I know so much more about myself now, then I did back then.
I think about the shy girl that so desperately wanted to be the "better" version of herself.
The more adult and mature version.
A version that had no intention of appearing anytime that year.
But even though I know all the answers and I now know how to remedy the catastrophe that was last year, I would never go back.
Without all those events, ruined relationships with people, and just general awfulness, I wouldn't be the person I am today.
I wouldn't know which choices to make that would make me the happiest I could be.
Last year felt like a year were I was trying to please the people I had surrounded myself with and dealing with the hand that I was dealt.
I have learned so much about myself.
That you must first love yourself and know what you want out of any relationship you encounter before anything should start.
I also know that no one could ever pay me enough money to relive that year.
It was terrible, I was unhappy, and I have moved on.

This year has yet to finish, so I feel like I can't fairly compare it to last year.
I'll keep you updated.

Chores

Exhaustion (ex.haus.tion). noun. - extreme weakness or fatigue.

I don't know how I have managed to wake up every morning for this godforsaken class.
I amaze myself every day.

My current and final class of the year is Escoffier, the Classical French Restaurant on campus.
I hate it.
Because, I am not actually in the kitchen.

I have been assigned to "Family Meal", with two other partners.
I don't cook for customers, instead I cook for my classmates, for our lunch.
I get to be completely creative with what I make for lunch.
The problem is, the Escoffier kitchen is so tiny, that 19 students plus a TA and Chef can't actually all fit.
So, I have been exiled across the hall to another kitchen that used to be the home of an Cuisines of Asia class.
I happily get to use woks everyday, but all I really want is to be in class so I can feel like I'm part of the kitchen.
I feel like a Leper sometimes.
My class has merged with the class that was actually a block ahead of us because of the way scheduling worked out.
They are graduating in two weeks, the lucky ducks.
But they are people I don't know, but want to get to know, but can't because I'm never in the same area or room with them.

Why does my last kitchen class have to be a chore to go to every morning?
Why do I dread waking up in the morning to go to class?
It truly feels more like work then like class.
I don't like that.

The highlight of my day was getting an Easter card from my Grandmother.
It made me very very happy

"He whom you seek is risen". Matthew 28:5,6