This Too Shall Pass

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Steven Kloves (screenplay writer)

Words I need to live a little closer to.

I'm not even that upset.
Just disappointed.
I was having a good time and feeling really good about myself.
I still feel good about myself.
I'm just disappointed with the situation and result.
I'm not sure about the next step.
Or where I should go from here.
I'm feeling awkward and uneasy.

I go after the things I want and I don't wait around or beat around the bush.
I've done enough of that in the past and I refuse to do it anymore.
But it's exhausting to do all the work.
Is it bad to say that I don't want to do all the work anymore?

I'll be cheery again by morning.
I can already feel it starting.
I need a milkshake, stat.
And new shoes and a new dress.
Those would be nice.

Start With A "Why".

New Year Resolution: To remember that I am human and that I need to learn, grow, and heal, from my mistakes.

~.~.~.~

Start with a "why".

Why am I sad?

Because I feel abandoned.

Why does this abandonment hurt?

Because it feeds off my fear of trusting people with my emotions and feelings.

Why do I have a fear of trusting people?

Because I have been hurt badly by people in the past and now also in the present.

~.~.~.~

I categorize myself to be a very passionate and emotional person.
I choke up during movies and sentimental things all the time.
When I get angry, I clam up and become flustered and upset.
When I love, I give it my absolute all.
And when love ends, whatever kind of love it is, the pain of abandonment overwhelms and confuses me.

This past year has been a time of immense highs and lows for me.
And now I am feeling all the aftershock of a love lost.

I don't actually like talking about my problems or feelings.
I only do when I feel completely secure with that person and even then it is still difficult.

I have a difficult time trusting people.
The hurt I have experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
It is a terrible thing to loose trust.
And I hope you never experience it.

When I do finally open up, it means something to me.
It's feels like solid ground that I can stand on without the fear of it giving away underneath me.
But when that trust dissipates or goes away, so does the solid ground.
And I find myself in free fall... again.

Maybe one day I will find it easier to trust people.
But for now I am going to need your help.
Know that I will always have your back, regardless of whatever happens.
I just need to know that you have my back as well.

~.~.~.~

Support is most welcomed, in any form.
A note.
A shoulder.
A hug.
I don't care as long as it is something that you want to give from you to me.